Harriet Connor

Author of Big Picture Parents

Page 3 of 13

A healthy gender identity starts now … with you!

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On 12/08/2023

In Articles

Do you have a pre-teen or ‘tween’ living in your house? Are you worried about how to deal with adolescence? Don’t panic! While puberty can be a confusing time, your loving guidance will help your child to grow into the man or woman God made them to be. You have an opportunity now to help them build a healthy gender identity before puberty hits.

(I wrote this article based on an interview with Patricia Weerakoon, c0-author of The Gender Revolution and author of Growing Up by the Book.)

Why are pre-teens vulnerable to gender ideology?

Children who are about to start puberty (ages 10–12) are particularly vulnerable to gender ideology: the belief that you can be ‘born in the wrong body’ and should change your body to match your innate inner feeling of ‘gender identity’.

To begin with, pre-teens have a rapidly developing brain and are sensitive to what is happening within and around them. At this age, children have a normal, natural ‘body angst’ about how their body compares to others and how it is going to change during puberty.

On top of that, many pre-teens are immersed in the world of social media, which encourages them to be discontented with their bodies and to question their gender. Spending a lot of time online, whether on Tiktok, Instagram and Youtube or playing video games, can also condition children, especially those who are uncomfortable with their bodies, into seeing their bodies not as a good gift from God, but as something that can be created and recreated however they like; the line between fantasy and reality is blurred.

What are pre-teens hearing about gender, sex and puberty?

Today’s pre-teens are being told that if you don’t conform to narrow gender stereotypes, then you must actually be the other gender, trapped in the wrong body. If you’re a boy who dislikes rough-and-tumble play and likes tea parties and dancing, then you must really be a girl. If you’re a girl who doesn’t like pink or Barbies, but likes climbing trees then you must really be a boy.

Pre-teens are also hearing that puberty—a normal, natural stage of life—is an optional inconvenience that can be paused at will. (Medically speaking, this is completely untrue. Artificially blocking a child’s puberty has serious side-effects; puberty cannot simply resume where it left off.)

Sadly, pre-teens are also living in a pornified culture where girls think women are expected to look like porn stars and tolerate pornified behaviour from men. Many boys are following online influencers who promote ‘macho’ and misogynistic expressions of masculinity.

Into this fraught environment comes transgender ideology promising a way to relieve your body angst, fix your gender non-conformity, avoid puberty and escape the negative visions of womanhood or manhood that frighten you. It’s no wonder that some children (especially girls) find this offer attractive.

What role do parents play?

Keep reading over at Growing Faith, a Christian online magazine for parents. Find out more about Growing Faith and subscribe to our monthly e-newsletter here.

A prayer for a surprise pregnancy

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On 04/08/2023

In Articles

When our youngest child was about to start primary school, I felt like I was about to enter a whole new stage of motherhood. I was considering two different part-time ministry jobs, as well as various opportunities to serve at our church and our kids’ school and I felt excited at what lay ahead.

On New Year’s Eve I prayed this prayer (I found it this week in my prayer journal):

Eternal Creator, Loving Father,
I kneel before you at the threshold of a new year and hand my life over to you again. I am willing—and excited—to go wherever you lead me. All I ask is that you keep equipping me for whatever you call me to—with love, wisdom, time, ideas, grace, patience, faithfulness and perseverance. Please fill me with your Spirit to speak the life-giving truth and to live by the truth. Please show me how—and who—to love with time and encouragement, food and comfort …
Amen.

When I prayed that prayer, I had no idea that God was about to answer in the most surprising way. After five-and-a-half years of believing that ‘family planning’ was something in our control, I fell pregnant for the fourth time.

I thought I was open to anything, ready to serve in whatever way God asked me to. Except for this. I’m not ready for this. I had had enough of 24-hour ‘morning’ sickness and the other discomforts and anxieties that come with pregnancy, especially at an older age. I wasn’t confident I had enough energy left to carry and give birth to another baby. I couldn’t face the thought yet more years of breastfeeding dramas, nappies and sleepless nights. I was not emotionally prepared for another five years of having a small person attached to me most of the time. I felt like I was being asked to stay back and ‘repeat’ when I had been about to graduate.

Over that summer, I slowly came to accept the fact that I really was pregnant. I gradually came to realise that carrying, birthing and raising another child was the ministry God had planned for me. It was primarily that person that God wanted me to love with my time and encouragement, food and comfort. And it was for the ministry of motherhood that I would need God’s provision of love, wisdom, time, ideas, grace, faithfulness and perseverance, as I had prayed.

I felt a mixture of emotions as I told people the news: sometimes I felt guilty that I was ‘going back for fourths’ while others were struggling to conceive even one child; other times I felt embarrassed (‘Don’t you guys know how babies are made?’); sometimes I tried to second-guess God’s plans—surely this would be that long-awaited daughter! (It wasn’t.)

Now I’ve written a new prayer for those who find themselves surprised by pregnancy:

Lord, you have searched me and you know me. Lord, you see me. Lord, you hold me—us—in your hand.

You are the God who wove me together in the depths of the earth. You formed my womb. Every day of my life was written in your book before one of them came to be. This is not the plan I had for my life, not the future I imagined. But I surrender myself to your better, wiser plans. I offer myself as an earthen vessel—a jar of clay—for you to mould and shape and use for your perfect purposes.

Now who are you knitting together in the dark depths of my womb? What days do you have planned for them?

What a privilege to have the miracle of life forming inside me—to have you at work within my womb, swirling together a universe—a new eternal soul—where there once was nothing.

To me, the future is dark and unknown: Will my baby be healthy? Will it be a boy or girl? When will it be born? Will the birth be straightforward? Will I be able to breastfeed? How will I cope?

It is tempting to let fear and worry overcome me. But darkness is as light to you. Not even a sparrow falls to the ground without your knowledge. You even know the number of hairs on my head. You feed the birds and clothe the flowers. Surely you will care for me and my baby. You know what I need before I even know what to ask you.

With Sarah and Elizabeth, I laugh with surprise: ‘After I am worn out and my husband is old, will I now have this pleasure?’ (Genesis 18:12)

With Eve may I soon say, ‘With the help of the Lord, I have brought forth a man!’ (Genesis 4:1)

But for now, with Mary, I simply say, ‘I am the Lord’s servant’ (Luke 1:38). May I faithfully carry out the ministry of motherhood that you have called me to. I receive this child as they truly are: a precious gift from you.
Amen.

What is Confirmation?

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On 08/07/2023

In Articles

Image courtesy of Restoration Anglican Church.

Confirmation is an opportunity for those who were baptised as children to publicly confirm the commitment to the Christian faith that was made on their behalf by their parents and godparents. It can serve as an important milestone for our children taking on the faith we have sought to pass on throughout their childhood.

The Confirmation service is taken by a Bishop who lays his hands on the heads of the confirmees and prays for them. This practice loosely descends from the ‘laying on of hands’ mentioned in Paul’s letters to Timothy (1 Timothy 4:14, 5:22; 2 Timothy 1:6).

A service of Confirmation may happen during a normal Sunday service or it may be held separately. Usually, a church waits until there is a group of young people ready to be confirmed at the same time.

Anglican Confirmation differs from Roman Catholic Confirmation in two ways: the Roman Catholic Church considers Confirmation to be a sacrament and encourages children to be confirmed at a younger age (around eight).

At what age do people get confirmed?

Throughout the centuries, Confirmation has always been undertaken when children were of a sufficient age to answer for themselves—to understand the Christian faith and publicly commit themselves to it.

In the Sydney Anglican Diocese, it was customary for confirmees to be in Year 8 or turning 14, but now children as young as ten may be confirmed if they seem ready. Adults of any age can also be confirmed.

Our church held a Confirmation service when our eldest son was turning 12. After giving it some thought, our son decided to join the group. He was on the cusp of starting high school and seemed ready to take the step of making his own declaration of faith. Twelve also seemed like a fitting age, as in the comparable Jewish tradition of the bar-mitzvah (which Jewish young people undertake at the age of 12/13 to become a ‘son/daughter of the commandment’ in their own right).

Do you have to be confirmed to take Communion?

Keep reading over at Growing Faith, a Christian online magazine for parents. Find out more about Growing Faith and subscribe to our monthly e-newsletter here.

Raising confident kids in a confusing world

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On 26/06/2023

In Book Reviews

As they grow up, every child asks the question ‘Who am I?’. But where will they look for answers? The world around us calls loudly, telling our children how to view themselves and how to live their ‘best life’. It tells them to look within for answers. But with no solid ground to stand on, many children and young people are drifting into confusion.

As Christian parents, we worry that our children will get carried along and confused by the destructive trends of our times. We wonder how we can raise children who have a secure identity founded on Christ and the confidence to live accordingly, even if the world disapproves.

An encouraging voice

It is for parents like us that Ed Drew has written a new book, Raising Confident Kids in a Confusing World. Ed Drew reassures Christian parents that in the gospel of Jesus, we already have all the resources we need to give our children a positive, realistic and resilient view of themselves.

Ed Drew is a seasoned kids’ minister, father-of-three and Director of UK ministry ‘Faith in Kids’. His writing is warm, conversational, honest, funny and full of stories of real parents and real children who are persevering in the gospel in the midst of life’s challenges. As you read, you can hear Ed’s voice reminding you of the precious truths of the gospel and encouraging you, from one imperfect parent to another.

Gospel foundations

Raising Confident Kids in a Confusing World begins with the gospel truths that provide a solid basis for our children’s identity. You may feel impatient to get to the ‘hot topics’ of the later chapters, but it’s important to stop and lay this foundation. Ed brings to life a number of Bible stories to convince us—and therefore our children—that we can say with confidence:
I am precious.
I am forgiven.
I can change.
I know what to do when I’m not OK.
I am wonderfully made.

While these are truths that every Christian should already know, Ed Drew manages to communicate them in a fresh, engaging and persuasive way that connects with both head and heart.

Keep reading over at Growing Faith, a Christian online magazine for parents. Find out more about Growing Faith and subscribe to our monthly e-newsletter here.

Is there a Christian parenting style?

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On 17/06/2023

In Articles

I have a confession to make: I love watching the reality TV show Parental Guidance. This show, currently airing its second season, brings together 12 sets of parents (or single parents) with differing parenting styles. Each episode we watch footage of each set of parents navigating various parenting ‘challenges’ with their children. The group of parents then evaluates how well each set of parents did, with the help of parenting expert Dr Justin Coulson.

What I like about the show is that the parents who come on are very intentional in their approach to child-raising, and yet ready to improve and learn from others. The format of the show encourages parents to understand and support one another, rather than rushing to condemn (although some parents hide their eyebrow-raising better than others).

A Christian label?

It impresses me that anyone could choose a one-word label to sum up their parenting. It has got me thinking. How would I describe our parenting style? Most of the time I think it’s ‘learning-on-the-job’! And is there any one parenting style that you could call ‘Christian’?

There have been several sets of parents on Parental Guidance who identify as Christians. Last year the overtly Christian parents were the ‘strict’ and ‘tiger’ parents. But this year, the parents representing the Christian way are … the ‘gentle’ parents—the complete opposite! It seems that there is no single ‘Christian’ parenting style.

Perhaps this is because our Christian faith is only one of the things that influences our parenting style. For example, this year’s ‘gentle’ parents initially made a simple, direct connection between their faith and their parenting style: because God, our heavenly Father, is patient and gentle with us, they seek to be patient and gentle with their children. However, as time went on, we discovered that other factors had influenced their style too. Tragically, the couple lost their first child shortly before birth. This rough start has given them measureless gratitude and patience for the children they are now blessed to have. The ‘gentle’ father also mentioned his own upbringing: having grown up in a family where he had little say or agency, he wants to raise his children differently.

The fact is that the way we raise our children is shaped not only by our Christian beliefs, but also by our lived experiences.

Christian principles

Although different Christians may approach child-raising in different ways, I think there are some Christian principles that we all share.

Keep reading over at Growing Faith, a Christian online magazine for parents. Find out more about Growing Faith and subscribe to our monthly e-newsletter here.

Lest we forget … our spiritual ancestors too

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On 24/04/2023

In Articles

Around the time of ANZAC Day, we often tell our children the stories of their ancestors who served in war. We dust off old portraits and medals to show them and try to pass on a sense of gratitude and reverence for all that our forebears had to fight for and endure. We help our children research their family history for school projects, taking note of who served where and when, or who stayed home and what they did to help the war effort.

It is so important for the younger generations to hear and appreciate these stories, lest we forget the cost of the freedoms we enjoy. We must continue to tell them about our ancestors who recognised the threat of evil and bravely stood up to fight it. These stories encourage our children to be thankful for those who have gone before and to face the future with courageous determination to follow in their footsteps.

In the same way, it is important for us to tell our children the stories of their spiritual ancestors, who faithfully handed the gospel down. As the saying goes, Christianity is only ever one generation away from extinction. It takes a certain amount of courage and determination for each generation to communicate the good news about Jesus to the next. So let’s tell stories that will encourage our children to be thankful for those Christians who have gone before and to commit themselves to following in their footsteps.

Keep reading over at Growing Faith, a Christian online magazine for parents. Find out more about Growing Faith and subscribe to our monthly e-newsletter here.

Today is a good day to talk about death

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On 07/04/2023

In Articles

It’s impossible to avoid the topic of death in a Christian family. I mean, the very symbol of our faith is a Roman instrument of execution. The gospel we proclaim begins with ‘Jesus died for our sins’ (see 1 Corinthians 15:3–8), which is what we remember today on Good Friday.

Of course, the Easter story has a happy ending: we can’t explain Jesus’ death without celebrating the victory and hope of his resurrection. But Good Friday is the perfect opportunity for us and our children to sit with the real sadness of death, without rushing to ‘cheer up’ the conversation. Easter Sunday is still two days away.

Death is a fact of life

Secular bereavement counsellors Mal and Dianne McKissock give this advice:

Parents should ideally teach their children about death as they teach them language and facts about the natural world of which we are all part. They can be shown dead or dying plants, insects, birds and animals … We can help them to become familiar with the word ‘dead’, not euphemisms, and to develop a sense of reverence for all life and respect for what has died.

They warn that phrases like ‘lost’ ‘asleep’ or ‘passed away’ will be interpreted literally and cause confusion. If we call death ‘sleep’, children may also become anxious about closing their own eyes at bedtime.  Children’s questions about death should always be welcomed and answered using simple, age-appropriate language.

The McKissocks explain that children will learn how to deal with death from watching the behaviour of their parents and other adults. But they will also express grief in their own ways. Some children cry privately because they are embarrassed; others will hold onto their feelings, but may overreact to a minor event later on; others will act up or seek attention; still others don’t appear to be sad at all. All of these responses to death are normal for children.

Keep it simple …

Keep reading over at Growing Faith, a Christian online magazine for parents. Find out more about Growing Faith and subscribe to our monthly e-newsletter here.

Making peace in the parenting wars

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On 25/03/2023

In Articles

When I was in my 20s, I studied and lived at Bible college. Some of the married students also lived on campus together with their whole family. I once commented to one of the wives that it must be so wonderful to have other Christian mums and kids around during the day. But her reply left me in shock. She said that there was actually a noticeable division between the college families—some families intentionally avoided spending time together. So what was it that had driven a wedge between these Christian families? Was it a difference of doctrines or denomination? No—it was their differing parenting styles. And I’m sure that this story is all too common.

So how can we build positive relationships with other Christian parents, when our parenting styles can be so different?

It’s a journey

The fact is that our parenting style usually grows and matures with time. We all start out as anxious and overprotective ‘first-time parents’. But as time goes on, we gain confidence in our parenting through experience and observation. We refine our approach through trial and error. By the time we have our second or third child we have usually become more relaxed and self-assured. Parenting is just one of those skills you have to learn on the job.

So when we encounter someone with a different parenting style to us, it may be that they are still finding their feet. Maybe they just haven’t had the chance to learn all of the lessons that we have learnt. We need to allow other parents time to mature in their parenting, like we have done.

I find this is a helpful starting point for conversations—I can usually empathise with where other parents are at in their parenting journey. By acknowledging that we are all improving as we go, I can humbly share the things I have learnt along the way.

Asking why …

Keep reading over at Growing Faith, a Christian online magazine for parents. Find out more about Growing Faith and subscribe to our monthly e-newsletter here.

The problem with nuclear families

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On 10/03/2023

In Articles

What do you think of when you hear the word ‘family’? If someone asked you, ‘Do you have a family?’, how would you answer?

In our modern Christian culture, we tend to assume that ‘family’ means the nuclear family: mum, dad and their young children, living together. Often this vision of family is presented as the ‘Christian’ or ‘biblical’ family.

Recently, I heard Rev Dr Danielle Treweek explain that this ‘nuclear’ vision of family is actually a modern invention. She quoted this description:

‘In today’s world, the phrase nuclear family conjures up an image of a domestic unit comprising two parents and their children who live together in a single-family residence and who share a deep affective intimacy with one another … Under these conditions, the modern nuclear family is an institution that is characterized above all by privacy.’1

But this is very different to how families looked and worked in Bible times and throughout most of human history. Dani Treweek explained that the phrase ‘nuclear family’ was never meant to refer to something private or separate from the rest of society. It is only the nucleus that sits within a broader network of social relationships—the whole atom! Slowly, we have taken the nucleus out of the atom.

However, when we expect small family units to be private and self-sufficient, it actually weakens both families and the wider society. The modern nuclear model of family isn’t actually working very well. Here’s why.

Keep reading over at Growing Faith, a Christian online magazine for parents. Find out more about Growing Faith and subscribe to our monthly e-newsletter here.

What is Lent and how might we observe it?

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On 11/02/2023

In Articles

Lent traditions

Lent is the season of the Church calendar which comprises the 40 days (plus Sundays) before Easter. It has been observed since the earliest days of the Church and is modelled on Jesus’ 40 days of testing in the wilderness. Traditionally, Lent is a season of self-examination, prayer, fasting and giving, which is designed to prepare a person’s heart for the celebration of Easter.

Lent begins on Ash Wednesday when many churches hold a special service of repentance, culminating in the minister marking each person’s head with ash in the sign of a cross, saying:

‘Remember that you are dust, and to dust you shall return. Turn away from sin and be faithful to Christ.’

During Lent, Christians have traditionally fasted from meat, fish, eggs and butter, and restricted themselves to only one full meal each evening (a small amount of food would also be eaten in the morning and at midday). This did not count for Sundays, which were still considered days of celebration. Children, the elderly and pregnant and breastfeeding mothers were not expected to fast. In general, these ‘rules’ for fasting have become more relaxed. Today, even the Roman Catholic Church requires adults to fast only on Ash Wednesday and Good Friday and abstain from meat on the Fridays of Lent.

In order to rid the kitchen of ‘forbidden’ foods before Lent, Christians began celebrating Shrove Tuesday (also known as Mardi Gras or ‘Fat Tuesday’) the day before, when they would eat up all their ‘luxury’ foods. At some times in history, Christians gave up eggs, sugar and dairy for Lent, which gave rise to the tradition of cooking of pancakes on that day.

In addition to this ‘giving up’, Lent is a time for taking up the spiritual disciplines of prayer and giving in a more focused way. Physical hunger is meant to drive the worshipper to depend on God more prayerfully; the money saved by refraining from ‘luxury’ foods (such as meat) can be shared generously with those in need.

Lent, modernised

Some modern Christians choose to ‘fast’ from different things during Lent. Some common things to give up are chocolate/sugar, alcohol or social media. The idea is that when you are tempted to go to these things for comfort, you seek God in prayer instead. Giving up social media can also free up more time and attention that we can devote to God.

To keep reading about Lent for families, head to Growing Faith, a Christian online magazine for parents. Find out more about Growing Faith and subscribe to our monthly e-newsletter here.

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Harriet Connor

Harriet Connor

I'm a mother, wife and Bible teacher from near Sydney, Australia. I write about how the Bible's ancient wisdom makes sense of modern life and parenthood.

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