Harriet Connor

Author of Big Picture Parents

Tag: Mortality

Parenting when our days are numbered

Grief is weighing heavily on my local community at the moment. A few families have been visited by that most unwelcome and cold-hearted of intruders—death. It has been mercilessly tearing fathers and mothers away from their children far too soon.

A couple of weeks ago, a local dad had an out-of-the-blue medical episode and died quite suddenly, leaving a wife and four children behind. While our community was still coming to terms with that loss, the news came in that another local parent, whose kids are still in primary school, had been transferred to a palliative care unit.

Beyond that, the global Christian community is still reeling from the very public death of American conservative activist and father-of-two Charlie Kirk.

All of those families are facing the unthinkable: the fact that one day we will die and leave our children behind. It’s every parent’s worst nightmare.

We may have many more years with our children, or we may have fewer than we expect. We may have a slow departure, with time to say goodbye or we may pass away quite unexpectedly. But the fact remains: no parent lives forever. And the past few weeks have taught us that we never know how soon—or how suddenly—our time on earth might be up.

So how might we raise our children today in the light of our mortality?

 Lord, you have been our dwelling-place
throughout all generations.
Before the mountains were born
or you brought forth the whole world,
from everlasting to everlasting you are God.

You turn people back to dust,
saying, ‘Return to dust, you mortals’.
A thousand years in your sight
are like a day that has just gone by,
or like a watch in the night.
Yet you sweep people away in the sleep of death—
they are like the new grass of the morning:
In the morning it springs up new,
but by evening it is dry and withered …

Teach us to number our days,
that we may gain a heart of wisdom. (Psalm 90:1–6, 12)

Entrust our kids to God … starting now

Parenthood is one long exercise of faith. From the moment we see those two lines on a pregnancy test, we realise how much is out of our control—from our children’s safe delivery to their health, to their developmental milestones, to their friendships, school life and mental health … there are many times when we’re just anxiously, helplessly praying our way through the day. We can research and investigate, we can make plans and appointments, but ultimately, at least half of parenting is learning to wait and watch in faith.

Facing up to our mortality reminds us that we always need to hand our children over to God. They were never really ours to begin with. God gives us children to birth and care for during the short span of our life on earth, but he is their true Creator and sustainer. God is good and, unlike us, God is in control. So, like Abraham did with Isaac, we need to offer our children up into God’s loving arms—today and every day.

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What are Shrove Tuesday and Ash Wednesday about?

Since the early days of Christianity, the Church has observed the season of Lent as a preparation for Easter. Traditionally, Easter was the time of year when new converts were baptised and when repentant sinners were re-admitted to fellowship and communion.

The Church of England website explains how this shaped the season:

‘As the candidates for baptism were instructed in Christian faith, and as penitents prepared themselves, through fasting and penance, to be readmitted to communion, the whole Christian community was invited to join them in the process of study and repentance, the extension of which over forty days would remind them of the forty days that Jesus spent in the wilderness, being tested by Satan.’

Counting back forty days from Easter (not including Sundays), means that Lent begins on a Wednesday. The day before this became known as Shrove Tuesday or Pancake Day.

Shrove Tuesday / Pancake Day

Originally the Tuesday before Lent was about ‘shriving’, that is, confessing your sins. But eventually it became a day of carnival or festival, because it was the final chance people had to ‘party’ before the serious season of Lent began. Many Catholic countries still hold large public carnivals at this time of year. Some of the most famous of these are held in Venice, Italy and Rio de Janeiro, Brazil.

Since Lent traditionally meant fasting from luxuries like meat, eggs, sugar and butter (except on Sundays), the day before became a time to eat up all the ‘luxury’ foods in the house, sometimes in the form of pancakes. That led to the day being called Mardi Gras (French for ‘fat Tuesday’) or Pancake Day.

Ash Wednesday

Ashes are an ancient sign of repentance. For this reason, since the Middle Ages, Christians have observed the start of Lent by being marked in ash with the sign of the cross.

Many traditional churches still hold an Ash Wednesday service. Sometimes, the ash used for marking is made from burning the palm crosses from the previous year’s Palm Sunday service. Some common Scriptures to be read aloud are Psalm 51, a psalm of repentance, and Joel 2:12–18:

‘Even now,’ declares the Lord,
‘return to me with all your heart,
with fasting and weeping and mourning.’

Rend your heart
and not your garments.
Return to the Lord your God,
for he is gracious and compassionate,
slow to anger and abounding in love,
and he relents from sending calamity. (Joel 2:12–13)

When it comes time for the ‘imposition of ashes’, the minister says something like this (from a Church of England liturgy):

‘I invite you to receive these ashes
as a sign of the spirit of penitence with which we shall keep this season of Lent.
God our Father,
you create us from the dust of the earth:
grant that these ashes may be for us
a sign of our penitence
and a symbol of our mortality;
for it is by your grace alone
that we receive eternal life
in Jesus Christ our Saviour.
Amen.’

As the minister marks each person with a cross of ash on their forehead, s/he says:

‘Remember that you are dust, and to dust you shall return.
Turn away from sin and be faithful to Christ.’

Personally, I have found attending our church’s Ash Wednesday service a very meaningful experience. It’s a rare opportunity to remember and express—in a very tangible way—my mortality before God, the One who gives life and forgiveness.

How might we mark these days?

Keep reading over at Growing Faith, a Christian online magazine for parents. Find out more about Growing Faith and subscribe to our monthly e-newsletter here.

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