Harriet Connor

Author of Big Picture Parents

Tag: Imperfection

Introducing the Timeless Parenting podcast!

Have you ever wondered whether parenting has been getting harder with each new generation? Have you ever sat down with a grandmother, an aunty or an older mum and talked about what parenting was like when their children were young?

Of course, some aspects of parenting are always going to be hard—sleepless nights with a newborn, toddler tantrums, teenage questioning—but there are some challenges facing parents today that are completely new.

One of the biggest challenges for modern parents is the rise of technology—the screens which seem to demand our and our children’s attention 24 hours a day. We’re raising our children in a world that’s very different even from the one we ourselves grew up in! As parents, it can be very hard to guide our children through technology issues that we barely understand ourselves.

Because the internet has given us access to unlimited information, it has also made parenting more confusing. In the past, parents simply did more or less what their parents and grandparents had done before them. Parents weren’t exposed to thousands of different (and often conflicting) ideas about raising children. They didn’t feel the need to choose from a huge catalogue of trending parenting styles. In our age of information, parenting certainly has become more complicated!

Have you ever wished … ?

Have you ever wished that there was a way of sifting through the passing fads—the modern parenting advice that seems to change from year to year—to find some timeless wisdom underneath, something solid enough to build your family life on?

Have you ever wanted to explore God’s word, the Bible, to find some foundational truths and guiding principles for navigating life as a modern parent?

Have you ever longed to sit down with an older Christian mum or dad to hear the wisdom and perspective they’ve gained from years of life and parenting?

I have, many times—and with many tears. And that’s why I am so excited to be announcing the launch of our brand new podcast: Timeless Parenting, a collaboration between Growing Faith and Mothers’ Union Sydney.

Timeless Parenting is where we have real conversations across the generations exploring God’s wisdom for modern families.

The podcast is hosted by me, Harriet Connor, mum of four and Content Editor of Growing Faith and Ann Cunningham, mum to three young adults and parent educator with Mothers’ Union Sydney. We’ll be joined by a range of guests across the generations, who will share their godly wisdom on topical parenting issues. We’ll be releasing a new, 45-minute episode around the middle of every month.

In our first episode, we had a deeply encouraging conversation with Christine Jensen [pictured with us above], who blessed us with her godly perspective gained from decades and decades of raising her own family and encouraging others through her work with Mothers’ Union Sydney.

In our conversation, we considered the question, ‘Has parenting become harder?’. And then we talked about how knowing God, our heavenly Father, and belonging to his family offers just what modern parents so desperately need.

In this first episode, you’ll also find out who we are and why we’ve got together to start the Timeless Parenting podcast!

Listen to it, be encouraged and share it with your friends!

If you want to get in touch with us to offer some feedback or suggest a topic, you can write to us at: timelessparenting@youthworks.net

Timeless Parenting is brought to you by Growing Faith, a ministry of Youthworks Media, and Mothers’ Union Sydney.

Is there a Christian parenting style?

I have a confession to make: I love watching the reality TV show Parental Guidance. This show, currently airing its second season, brings together 12 sets of parents (or single parents) with differing parenting styles. Each episode we watch footage of each set of parents navigating various parenting ‘challenges’ with their children. The group of parents then evaluates how well each set of parents did, with the help of parenting expert Dr Justin Coulson.

What I like about the show is that the parents who come on are very intentional in their approach to child-raising, and yet ready to improve and learn from others. The format of the show encourages parents to understand and support one another, rather than rushing to condemn (although some parents hide their eyebrow-raising better than others).

A Christian label?

It impresses me that anyone could choose a one-word label to sum up their parenting. It has got me thinking. How would I describe our parenting style? Most of the time I think it’s ‘learning-on-the-job’! And is there any one parenting style that you could call ‘Christian’?

There have been several sets of parents on Parental Guidance who identify as Christians. Last year the overtly Christian parents were the ‘strict’ and ‘tiger’ parents. But this year, the parents representing the Christian way are … the ‘gentle’ parents—the complete opposite! It seems that there is no single ‘Christian’ parenting style.

Perhaps this is because our Christian faith is only one of the things that influences our parenting style. For example, this year’s ‘gentle’ parents initially made a simple, direct connection between their faith and their parenting style: because God, our heavenly Father, is patient and gentle with us, they seek to be patient and gentle with their children. However, as time went on, we discovered that other factors had influenced their style too. Tragically, the couple lost their first child shortly before birth. This rough start has given them measureless gratitude and patience for the children they are now blessed to have. The ‘gentle’ father also mentioned his own upbringing: having grown up in a family where he had little say or agency, he wants to raise his children differently.

The fact is that the way we raise our children is shaped not only by our Christian beliefs, but also by our lived experiences.

Christian principles

Although different Christians may approach child-raising in different ways, I think there are some Christian principles that we all share.

Keep reading over at Growing Faith, a Christian online magazine for parents. Find out more about Growing Faith and subscribe to our monthly e-newsletter here.

Parenting in the Spirit

As a mother, I’ve found it quite difficult to ride the waves of the past couple of years. We’ve all had to adapt to the constant change and anxiety brought about by a global pandemic. And now that life is largely back to normal, we have to cope with the ‘normal’ (read: insane!) levels of busyness that we seem to have lived with pre-pandemic.

Over the past two years, our family has also had to adjust to the arrival of a fourth child, a change of schools and two job changes for my husband. It feels like we’re still slightly off balance and out of control most of the time; things are always falling off the proverbial cart.

Faced with the stress and anxiety that seems to be my new normal, I’ve been learning the power of deep breathing. When I feel overwhelmed, I’m learning to stop and take a few slow breaths in and out again to help my body and mind relax and let go of the tension. It’s been surprisingly effective.

As a Christian, I’m also using these moments, these deep breaths, to take hold of the secret weapon that every Christian parent has at their disposal—the Holy Spirit. As I breathe in, I’m reminding myself that God’s Spirit—God’s breath—gives the life, power, wisdom, freedom and love that we need for every moment of every day.

Will you join me in praying for this to be the year of parenting in the Spirit?

Lord, the giver of life,

In the beginning, you breathed into a handful of earth and human beings came to life (Genesis 2:7). In the valley of Ezekiel’s vision, you breathed into dry, lifeless bones and they took on flesh, becoming a mighty army (Ezekiel 37). In the darkness of the tomb, by the power of your Spirit, you raised Jesus from the dead to a new, indestructible life.

May you, the One who gives life to the dead, breathe life into our mortal bodies because of your Spirit who lives in us (Romans 8:11).

Lord, the giver of strength,

I am weak and weary, frail and finite. But I know that your mighty power—the same power that raised Jesus from the dead—is living in us (Ephesians 1:19–20).

I look to you to renew my strength. Help me soar on wings like an eagle; help me run and not grow weary, help me walk and not be faint (Isaiah 40:31). Lord, help me to trust that ‘I can do all things through him who gives me strength’ (Philippians 4:13).

Lord, the giver of wisdom,

Every day, I face many complex decisions. Too often, I don’t know what to do or how to respond to the people and situations around me. Please fill me with the Spirit of wisdom and revelation that I may know you better and know how best to follow you (Ephesians 1:17). May your Spirit teach me and guide me into all truth (John 16:13).

Lord, the giver of freedom

Too often our family life is based on ‘law’—on rules and expectations. Too often, my relationships are driven by duty, by what ‘should’ be done, which means that my family life often falls short of my ideals.

But through Jesus, the law of the Spirit of life has set us free from the law of sin and death (Romans 8:2). Jesus kept the law for me so that I don’t have to.

Please cleanse me from my sin. Please give me a new heart and put a new spirit in me: take away my heart of stone and give me a heart of flesh (Ezekiel 36:26–27). Please help me to live not by the letter of law but by the Spirit of freedom (2 Corinthians 3:17).

Please fill my children with your Spirit too. May they obey from a heart that’s been set free, not from a heart that’s afraid of breaking the law.

Lord, the giver of love,

When I live by the law, I become controlling, impatient, critical and anxious. When I expect obedience from our children, but without love, our family starts running on fear.

But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. There is no fear in love (1 John 4:18–19). Thank you for your perfect love that accepts us and forgives us just as we are. Help me to love my family just as you have loved me; help me to forgive them as you forgive.

Love is the fulfilment of the law: if we simply love others by the Spirit, then we will always be doing what is pleasing to you (Romans 13:8–10). Please bring forth in me the fruit of the Spirit: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control (Galatians 5:22).

By your Spirit, please transform me more and more into the image and likeness of Jesus, my Saviour (2 Corinthians 3:18).

In his name I pray,
Amen.

This year, when you feel overwhelmed, maybe you could stop and take some deep breaths. And as you breathe in, take hold of the secret weapon of Christian parenting:

May the Spirit of life make dry bones live;
May the Spirit of power make us strong;
May the Spirit of wisdom show us the way;
May the Spirit of freedom move us to love.

This article originally appeared at Growing Faith.

The things we learn when we’re at home sick

It’s official! Cold and flu season is upon us. Winter has barely started and our family has already been knocked down by one thing after another. It’s been a brutal reminder that there are still plenty of ‘Diseases Other Than Covid’ about. Maybe you know the feeling: when you start losing track of who’s had what and when, and you’ve got the school office/absentee line on ‘speed dial’.

But when we are home sick, there are some important life lessons that we and our children can learn together.

Part of life

When our children were little, I used to get shocked every time they got sick. I would rack my brains trying to work out where they might have caught the illness, and how I could have prevented it. I expected that with good hygiene and healthy food I could keep the kids healthy 100% of the time.

My perspective changed when a friend pointed out that it’s quite normal for preschoolers to get up to six (or more!) colds per year; in fact, that’s how their immune system develops.

Actually, my friend’s perspective was much more biblical than mine. Getting sick is a tangible reminder for us and our children that we live outside Eden, where every good thing is prone to disease and decay. Sickness reminds us of our own mortality.

We can point ourselves and our children to our perfect future home with God, where ‘He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away’ (Revelation 21:4).

But in the meantime, all we can say to our kids is that unfortunately, getting sick is part of life. The question is not whether we will get sick, but how we can manage when we do. And we are extremely fortunate to have modern medicine to help us through the most common illnesses we face.

Even mummies and daddies …

Keep reading over at Growing Faith, a Christian online magazine for parents. Find out more about Growing Faith and subscribe to our monthly e-newsletter here.

Real hope for the perfectly imperfect

In recent articles at Growing Faith, we’ve explored the reality of family life in a fallen world: our families are imperfect, so we need to keep on receiving and showing forgiveness; as parents, we fall short of ‘best practice’, so we’re utterly dependent on God’s grace.

Recent history—with its fires, floods and extended pandemics—has also made it painfully clear that the world our kids are growing up in is imperfect too—we cannot offer them a childhood free from disappointment and suffering.

For modern parents, who tend towards perfectionism, raising children in a fallen world can become excruciating, because nothing ever measures up to our expectations. We can become paralysed by disappointment, guilt, anxiety and fear for our children.

But as Christian parents, we are uniquely equipped for parenting this side of heaven. The Bible explains why we can’t expect perfection of ourselves, our children or the world: because we are living outside of Eden. The Bible also gives us real hope for the future: one day, we and our children (God willing) will live in a new and perfect world, where nothing will ever make us disappointed, guilty, anxious or afraid again.

Knowing our place in the Bible’s timeline can help us to avoid the trap of perfectionism, which is damaging for parents and children alike. For now, what our kids really need are ‘good enough’ parents. Here’s why.

Keep reading over at Growing Faith, a Christian online magazine for parents. Find out more about Growing Faith and subscribe to our monthly e-newsletter here.

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