Harriet Connor

Author of Big Picture Parents

Tag: Gender (Page 1 of 2)

Don’t panic! Here’s how to navigate gender confusion

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On 18/09/2024

In Recordings

We live in a time of great confusion about gender—what it means to be a man or woman, boy or girl. And sadly, an increasing number of children are getting caught up in the confusion. As Christian parents, we can look around and start to become anxious that our own children might suddenly begin to question their gender.

In the latest episode of our Timeless Parenting podcast, we spoke with Christian sexologist Patricia Weerakoon and her son, theologian Kamal Weerakoon to gain an understanding of this fraught topic. They began by laying the foundations, explaining how we got to this point in history, what ‘transgender ideology’ means and why it is growing in influence.

By contrast, Patricia and Kamal helped us to build up a biblical, Christian picture of gender that is grounded in God’s good creation of our male and female bodies, and yet free from restrictive gender stereotypes.

**Patricia and Kamal Weerakoon have also written a chapter on this topic in our new book, Parenting in God’s Family. Order your copy today!**

And what about the gender-confused kids?

In our conversation, Patricia and Kamal shared their wealth of expert knowledge about the complex network of factors that can lead children to experience distress relating to their gender, and the risks of a medicalised approach.

What can Christian parents do?

The right time to start helping your kids build a healthy gender identity is … now! Patricia and Kamal explained how Christian parents can pre-emptively subvert the messages of transgender ideology, even before their children come across them in the classroom, playground or on social media. We can help our children to develop a positive view of the male or female bodies that God has given them, and a positive view of the puberty they will experience. We can also provide our kids with a rich variety of role models from the Bible and real life to demonstrate that there is no ‘right’ way to be a boy or girl, man or woman.

Mum, dad … I think I’m trans

Many parents live in fear of hearing their child utter those words. But in our conversation, Patricia reassured us: ‘Don’t panic!’. She then proceeded to give parents (and other invested adults) some very practical steps they can take to work through this situation with their child in a constructive way, ‘leaning in’ with love.

If you haven’t listened to our podcast before, this episode is not to be missed. Take the time to get informed, encouraged and equipped to help your children develop a healthy gender identity, starting now. We also recommend reading Patricia’s books, such as Talking Sex by the Book, which guides parents in talking to their children about this topic, especially those who may be confused about gender.

Patricia and Kamal Weerakoon have also written a chapter on this topic in our new book, Parenting in God’s Family:

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Parenting in God’s Family

‘Parenting in God’s Family’ contains reflections and advice by 16 authors from many different walks and stages of life, all seeking to encourage and equip parents with biblical wisdom and practical tips. It covers topics as diverse as sibling relationships, schooling choices and single parenting, as well as discipline, doubts and digital boundaries. Read more

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Timeless Parenting is brought to you by Growing Faith, a ministry of Youthworks Media, and Mothers Union Sydney. If you want to get in touch with us to offer some feedback or suggest a topic, you can write to us at: timelessparenting@youthworks.net

You can also find our podcast on Spotify, Apple Podcasts and other platforms.

Tell your kids the good news about sex

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On 20/08/2024

In Recordings

When it comes to the topic of sex, there are some negative stereotypes about Christian parents. We are often viewed as the ones who shut down awkward questions about ‘unwholesome’ topics, who don’t understand the explicit things our kids’ friends are talking about, who give the impression that sex is bad or ‘dirty’, who react with anger to our hyper-sexualised society.

But, according to our latest podcast guests, all of this needs to change. Christian sexologist Patricia Weerakoon, together with her son and co-author, Kamal, are passionate about equipping Christian parents to be the ones who share the good news about sex with their children.

The good news is that God created sex—and he thinks it’s great! Sex is part of God’s good design to bring a man and a woman together in love and affection; to bind them together physically, emotionally and spiritually; and to bring forth a new generation of people through their act of love. Because sex is so significant, God has given humanity the gift of man–woman marriage—a safe, loving, exclusive and committed relationship—as the ideal context for it to be enjoyed.

All of this means that Christian parents should be the first ones to talk about sex with our children. We have good news about sex and the loving God who designed it.

Even though we know it’s important, many Christian parents feel embarrassed to talk about sex with our children. We don’t know how to start or what to say. We put off having ‘the talk’ because we think it will be easier when our children are older.

But the sad fact is that if we don’t start teaching our children about sex, someone else will get in first. Our children live in a world where their friends, their school or even internet pornography will provide their sex education, whether we like it or not. And the messages our children hear from these sources may not be so positive or healthy. Christian parents need to start educating their children before they are exposed to the world’s messages about sex. And it’s not a case of having ‘the talk’, but rather having lots of little conversations along the way.

Of course, we pace these conversations according to our children’s age. We will talk with a two-year-old in a very different way to a 12-year-old. We won’t share all the specific details with our very young children, but there are still some important foundations that we need to lay, beginning with simply teaching our children about their ‘special’, private body parts.

In this fourth episode of the Timeless Parenting podcast, Ann Cunningham joined forces with Al James from the Effective Ministry Podcast to mine Patricia and Kamal Weerakoon’s expertise on this important topic.

You will be inspired, encouraged, challenged and equipped to break the stereotype and become the Christian parent who does start those honest conversations and tell their children the good news about sex.

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You can also find our podcast on Spotify, Apple Podcasts and other platforms.

Why I’m meeting with my federal MP

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On 24/05/2024

In Articles

…about proposed legislation affecting ‘religious’ schools.

When your phone rings and it’s the school’s number, you always pay attention. And when it’s the Principal on the other end of the line, you know it must be serious. When that happened to me last week, I braced myself for the worst.

But the serious issue that our Principal was calling me about was not concerning my children specifically. It was about something much broader that could affect every child in every Christian, church or ‘religious’ school across Australia.

The Principal of our children’s school was calling to invite me to join a small group of parents meeting with our federal Member of Parliament in a couple of weeks’ time to voice our views on some proposed changes to legislation concerning ‘religious educational institutions’. Knowing the profound significance of these proposed changes, I immediately agreed. Although I find the thought of speaking face-to-face with an MP extremely daunting, this was an opportunity I couldn’t pass up.

What are the proposed changes?

Under Australian law, ‘religious educational institutions’ are currently exempt from the Sex Discrimination Act (1984) (SDA), which prohibits individuals and organisations from discriminating against a person based on that person’s sex, marital or relationship status, pregnancy or, since 2013, their sexual orientation or gender identity.

These exemptions were put in place ‘in order to avoid injury to the religious susceptibilities of adherents of that religion or creed’.1 In 2013, when sexual orientation and gender identity were added to the list of protected attributes, there was bipartisan support for keeping the exemptions in order to ‘protect the right to freedom of thought, conscience, and religion or belief in respect of the new grounds of sexual orientation and gender identity’.

The current Federal Government has now committed to removing these exemptions to make it unlawful for religious educational institutions to ‘discriminate’ against students or staff based on their sex, marital or relationship status, pregnancy, sexual orientation or gender identity. At the same time, the Government wants to ensure that these institutions ‘can continue to build a community of faith by giving preference, in good faith, to persons of the same religion … in the selection of staff’.2

In some jurisdictions, such as Victoria, these kind of exemptions have already been removed, making it illegal in that state for a Christian school to fire—or refuse to employ—a person based on their sexual practice, gender identity or marital status. Queensland is proposing to prohibit a school from discriminating against an even wider group, including those doing ‘sex work activity’.

In order to bring Australian law into line with this, the Federal Government asked the Australian Law Reform Commission (ALRC) to investigate whether their commitments were consistent with international human rights law. The ALRC delivered its recommendations in December, which, if implemented, would write the Government’s commitments into law.

The ALRC report admits that in seeking to ‘maximise’ the right of some teachers to work in religious schools, its recommended reforms ‘may limit, for some people, the freedom to manifest religion or belief in community with others, and the parental liberty to “ensure the religious and moral education of their children in conformity with their own convictions”’.3

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Why I am writing this letter to my local MP

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On 11/11/2023

In Articles

… about the proposed ‘conversion therapy’ legislation in NSW.

In November, the NSW State Parliament is set to consider two bills prohibiting ‘change or suppression’ practices relating to sexual orientation and gender identity.

The precise wording of the bill to be proposed by the NSW Government has not been made public. However, a Consultation Paper was recently released by a working group from the Department of Communities and Justice and the Department of Health. Contrary to the pre-election commitments made by the NSW Labor Party, this proposal is largely based on the ‘change or suppression’ legislation that is already in force in the state of Victoria.

As a Christian mother, I find the proposed legislation deeply concerning. It undermines my right to talk about the Christian view of sex and gender with my own children. It sees the Christian sexual ethics I want to pass on to them as inherently ‘harmful’, rather than something that is good and life-giving.

That’s why I am going to write to my local MP this week.

What’s the problem in Victoria?

The Victorian laws, which have been helpfully summarised by Freedom for Faith, go far beyond banning coercive and genuinely harmful ‘gay conversion’ practices. They consider anything that is not full, unqualified, immediate support for a person’s sexual desires to be ‘suppression’ of their sexual orientation or gender identity. The context doesn’t matter. The proposed legislation would apply to conversations between family members, children and parents and married couples. Praying a prayer where we ask God to help someone manage their sexual desires would be a criminal offence.

Alarmingly, the Victorian legislation applies even if a person consents to this kind of conversation or prayer. The Victorian legislation also treats sexual orientation and gender identity the same way, even though they are two very different issues.

Basically, in Victoria, it is now illegal to encourage anyone to exercise self-control over their sexual urges. Such encouragement, in any form, is considered to cause ‘serious and ongoing harm’.

How does this affect parents and children?

If a Victorian child expresses a feeling of gender incongruence—discomfort with the male or female body they were born with—then the only legal response from parents and clinicians is one of unquestioning affirmation of their chosen gender identity.

Victorian parents are therefore understandably frightened that if they question their child’s sudden claim to be ‘trans’, that child might be removed from their care. Some Victorian clinicians are refusing to treat children with gender dysphoria because they are frightened about falling foul of the law if they take a wholistic approach, such as ‘watchful waiting’ (see below).

And just to close up any loopholes, it also illegal to take a Victorian child out of the state to receive any treatment that is not fully ‘affirming’ of the child’s chosen gender identity.

Why is ‘affirmation only’ problematic?

To gain a more detailed understanding of gender dysphoria, I recommend the book The Gender Revolution: a Biblical, Biological and Compassionate Response by Patricia Weerakoon with Robert Smith and Kamal Weerakoon.

Victoria’s ‘affirmation only’ approach to gender dysphoria is not supported by science. Firstly, study after study has shown that when parents and clinicians practise an approach of ‘watchful waiting’—that is, supporting a child without encouraging transition—around 85% of children grow out of their gender dysphoria by the time they are adults. Many of them end up identifying as homosexual.

However, if children are ‘affirmed’ in their gender dysphoria—if they are encouraged to change their name, pronouns and appearance—then almost 100% of them will proceed down a medicalised pathway towards puberty blockers, cross-sex hormones and potentially even surgery (The Gender Revolution, Chapter 6, Location 1674–83). This sets children up for a lifetime of dependence on experimental medical interventions and the consequent health risks (many of which are still unknown).

The ‘affirmation’ pathway is not harmless …

Keep reading this article (and my letter to my local MP) over at Growing Faith, a Christian online magazine for parents. Find out more about Growing Faith and subscribe to our monthly e-newsletter here.

A healthy gender identity starts now … with you!

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On 12/08/2023

In Articles

Do you have a pre-teen or ‘tween’ living in your house? Are you worried about how to deal with adolescence? Don’t panic! While puberty can be a confusing time, your loving guidance will help your child to grow into the man or woman God made them to be. You have an opportunity now to help them build a healthy gender identity before puberty hits.

(I wrote this article based on an interview with Patricia Weerakoon, c0-author of The Gender Revolution and author of Growing Up by the Book.)

Why are pre-teens vulnerable to gender ideology?

Children who are about to start puberty (ages 10–12) are particularly vulnerable to gender ideology: the belief that you can be ‘born in the wrong body’ and should change your body to match your innate inner feeling of ‘gender identity’.

To begin with, pre-teens have a rapidly developing brain and are sensitive to what is happening within and around them. At this age, children have a normal, natural ‘body angst’ about how their body compares to others and how it is going to change during puberty.

On top of that, many pre-teens are immersed in the world of social media, which encourages them to be discontented with their bodies and to question their gender. Spending a lot of time online, whether on Tiktok, Instagram and Youtube or playing video games, can also condition children, especially those who are uncomfortable with their bodies, into seeing their bodies not as a good gift from God, but as something that can be created and recreated however they like; the line between fantasy and reality is blurred.

What are pre-teens hearing about gender, sex and puberty?

Today’s pre-teens are being told that if you don’t conform to narrow gender stereotypes, then you must actually be the other gender, trapped in the wrong body. If you’re a boy who dislikes rough-and-tumble play and likes tea parties and dancing, then you must really be a girl. If you’re a girl who doesn’t like pink or Barbies, but likes climbing trees then you must really be a boy.

Pre-teens are also hearing that puberty—a normal, natural stage of life—is an optional inconvenience that can be paused at will. (Medically speaking, this is completely untrue. Artificially blocking a child’s puberty has serious side-effects; puberty cannot simply resume where it left off.)

Sadly, pre-teens are also living in a pornified culture where girls think women are expected to look like porn stars and tolerate pornified behaviour from men. Many boys are following online influencers who promote ‘macho’ and misogynistic expressions of masculinity.

Into this fraught environment comes transgender ideology promising a way to relieve your body angst, fix your gender non-conformity, avoid puberty and escape the negative visions of womanhood or manhood that frighten you. It’s no wonder that some children (especially girls) find this offer attractive.

What role do parents play?

Keep reading over at Growing Faith, a Christian online magazine for parents. Find out more about Growing Faith and subscribe to our monthly e-newsletter here.

Raising confident kids in a confusing world

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On 26/06/2023

In Book Reviews

As they grow up, every child asks the question ‘Who am I?’. But where will they look for answers? The world around us calls loudly, telling our children how to view themselves and how to live their ‘best life’. It tells them to look within for answers. But with no solid ground to stand on, many children and young people are drifting into confusion.

As Christian parents, we worry that our children will get carried along and confused by the destructive trends of our times. We wonder how we can raise children who have a secure identity founded on Christ and the confidence to live accordingly, even if the world disapproves.

An encouraging voice

It is for parents like us that Ed Drew has written a new book, Raising Confident Kids in a Confusing World. Ed Drew reassures Christian parents that in the gospel of Jesus, we already have all the resources we need to give our children a positive, realistic and resilient view of themselves.

Ed Drew is a seasoned kids’ minister, father-of-three and Director of UK ministry ‘Faith in Kids’. His writing is warm, conversational, honest, funny and full of stories of real parents and real children who are persevering in the gospel in the midst of life’s challenges. As you read, you can hear Ed’s voice reminding you of the precious truths of the gospel and encouraging you, from one imperfect parent to another.

Gospel foundations

Raising Confident Kids in a Confusing World begins with the gospel truths that provide a solid basis for our children’s identity. You may feel impatient to get to the ‘hot topics’ of the later chapters, but it’s important to stop and lay this foundation. Ed brings to life a number of Bible stories to convince us—and therefore our children—that we can say with confidence:
I am precious.
I am forgiven.
I can change.
I know what to do when I’m not OK.
I am wonderfully made.

While these are truths that every Christian should already know, Ed Drew manages to communicate them in a fresh, engaging and persuasive way that connects with both head and heart.

Keep reading over at Growing Faith, a Christian online magazine for parents. Find out more about Growing Faith and subscribe to our monthly e-newsletter here.

Responding to rainbow days at school

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On 12/08/2022

In Articles

Last year a new Principal started at our children’s school. One of her first initiatives was to hold Wear It Purple Day in the high school—a decision that has had a huge knock-on effect at the school and in our family. Since then, the school has added other ‘rainbow days’ to the calendar, such as the International Day Against Homophobia, Biphobia and Transphobia in May.

With Wear It Purple Day coming up again soon, I’m sure our family is not the only one facing the dilemma: how should Christian parents and children respond to ‘rainbow days’ at school?

What is the aim of these days?

These kinds of days were founded in response to concerns about the mental health of young people who might be questioning their sexuality and gender identity. In the words of the event organisers, Wear It Purple day aims to:

  • Advocate for and empower rainbow young people
  • Celebrate and promote the value of diversity and inclusion in all community settings
  • Raise awareness about sexuality, sex and gender identity and challenge harmful social cultures
  • Champion rainbow role-models to help young people establish the confidence to be who they are.

Schools might mark these days in a number of ways, including changes to the uniform, fun activities, special assemblies, and targeted lesson content.

Is holding a ‘rainbow day’ the best way to help children?

We live in a society where waving the rainbow flag is seen as a harmless—even necessary—expression of solidarity with people who have previously been marginalised, maligned and mistreated. Choosing not to wave (or wear) the rainbow flag is therefore interpreted as an expression of ‘phobia’, bigotry or hatred towards those people.

But it’s not as simple as that.

When it comes to children and young people, the real question is ‘What is the best way to help young people develop a healthy view of sexuality and gender?’ And for a number of reasons, I’m not sure that a whole-school ‘rainbow’ day is the answer.

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Why I don’t believe in (just) parenting

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On 01/07/2022

In Articles

I’ve been thinking and writing about family life for almost ten years now. As I’ve gradually developed a fuller understanding of God’s vision for families, there’s one word that I have, quite intentionally, dropped from my vocabulary. It’s the word ‘parenting’.

You see, the word ‘parenting’ is a modern invention and carries with it a number of very modern assumptions that I believe are generally unhelpful. God’s vision for parents and children is so much more than what we call ‘parenting’. (Of course, the word is still a useful shorthand, so you’ll find me using it occasionally!)

Let me tell you why I no longer believe in (just) ‘parenting’.

[This article is partly based on a conversation I had with God’s Story Podcast about my new Bible study booklet, Families in God’s Plan: 12 Foundational Bible Studies.]

It’s not just a verb

My main problem with the word ‘parenting’ is that it’s a verb, making it all about what we do. Parents in previous generations simply spoke about being mothers and fathers and I think that’s a more helpful way to look at things. You don’t have to do anything to become a parent—you already are one! That’s equally true whether you’re sitting in an armchair reading a book (alone!) or sitting on the floor playing with your children. We’re all full-time mums and full-time dads—and will be for the rest of our lives.

The most important thing is our relationship with our children. Everything else we might do (or not do!) needs to flow from that.

It’s not just present-tense

The other thing about the verb ‘parenting’ is that it’s always in the present tense. This puts the focus on what we’re doing right now, rather than on what we’re aiming for in the long term. Dealing with the things that seem urgent today—surviving our toddler’s tantrum; getting dinner cooked, served and eaten; stumbling over the ‘finish line’ of bedtime—can sometimes distract us from working towards longer-term goals.

I like the term ‘raising children’ because it inherently looks to the future: it begs the question, raising children into what? It forces us to think about what kind of adults we want our children to grow into, and work backwards from there.

Psalm 78 describes God’s long term vision for child-raising with these words:

‘… we will tell the next generation
the praiseworthy deeds of the Lord,
his power, and the wonders he has done.
He decreed statutes for Jacob
and established the law in Israel,
which he commanded our ancestors
to teach their children,
so the next generation would know them,
even the children yet to be born,
and they in turn would tell their children.
Then they would put their trust in God
and would not forget his deeds
but would keep his commands. (Psalm 78:4b–7)

It’s not just an abstract technique …

Keep reading over at Growing Faith, a Christian online magazine for parents. Find out more about Growing Faith and subscribe to our monthly e-newsletter here.

Let them wrestle!

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On 23/06/2022

In Articles

Why do dads throw their babies up into the air? Why do dads chase, tickle and wrestle their kids until they are on the verge of tears?

This kind of play can be hard for mothers to understand. We watch on with rising concern; we worry that someone will get hurt, or that the kids are experiencing real fear behind their giggles. We can be tempted to put a stop to the whole thing, because it makes us feel uncomfortable.

However, rough-and-tumble play is vital. It teaches children important life skills and helps them to develop a special relationship with their dad.

Dads naturally play ‘rough’

Mothers and fathers tend to interact with their children in different ways: mothers prioritise care and nurture, while fathers prioritise play and challenge.

The Bible assumes rather than teaches this fact, but we get a glimpse of it in Paul’s comments to the church in Thessalonica:

‘But we were gentle among you, like a nursing mother taking care of her own children. So, being affectionately desirous of you, we were ready to share with you not only the gospel of God but also our own selves, because you had become very dear to us … For you know how, like a father with his children, we exhorted each one of you and encouraged you and charged you to walk in a manner worthy of God, who calls you into his own kingdom and glory.’ (1 Thessalonians 2:7–8, 11–12)

When it comes to play, fathers generally initiate games that are challenging, active and physical:

‘Fathers emphasize more competition, risk-taking, and independence while mothers stress more self-paced play, that is, mothers tend to encourage more play that is at their child’s level.’ (‘Gender Matters’, Them Before Us)

Rough-and-tumble play is good for both boys and girls, especially around the ages of 3–7. Although younger children also enjoy more gentle activities such as being bounced, lifted up or chased. If you’re new to this kind of play, a good place to start is to become some kind of ‘Daddy monster’ and challenge your kids to chase and capture you. With older children, you could have a ‘sock wrestle’, where each person tries to remove the other person’s socks without losing their own.

Researchers have identified the features of ‘high quality’ rough-and-tumble play:

• A safe environment (for example, on a soft surface)
• A few rules or boundaries (for example, no kicking or biting)
• Dad self-handicaps so that children can sometimes overpower him
• Mutual enjoyment
• Children have time (and possibly help) to wind down at the end.

The benefits of rough-and-tumble play …

Keep reading over at Growing Faith, a Christian online magazine for parents. Find out more about Growing Faith and subscribe to our monthly e-newsletter here.

Erasing mothers is not progress

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On 21/05/2022

In Articles

Everywhere you look, mothers are being erased.

In the name of inclusion and diversity:

  • Barnardos has cancelled its ‘Mother of the Year’ award
  • Volunteers from the Australian Breastfeeding Association have been investigated for their use of the word ‘mother’ on social media
  • The Labor Party has removed the word ‘mother’ from its policy documents

The reasoning goes: some families don’t have a mother and some mothers identify as ‘fathers’, so we should stop using sexed language for parents altogether. In the modern family, ‘mother’ and ‘father’ have been replaced by Parent 1 and (if you’re lucky) Parent 2.

Sadly, mothers are also being erased, not just from our speech, but from children’s lives. There have been some recent high-profile cases of men ‘creating’ children through surrogacy, with the intention of raising them without a mother. Depending on the arrangement, a baby can have–and lose–up to three different ‘mothers’: a genetic mother, a birth mother, and a social mother. And we are supposed to applaud.

I understand how normalising ‘diverse’ families can help the children of those families to feel less stigmatised, but deliberately removing mothers cannot possibly be called progress. This forced political correctness–telling children that mothers are optional and interchangeable–is a denial of biological reality and human need.

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Harriet Connor

Harriet Connor

I'm a mother, wife and Bible teacher from near Sydney, Australia. I write about how the Bible's ancient wisdom makes sense of modern life and parenthood.

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