Emotions | Harriet Connor

To my child who didn’t get an award

On 09/12/2023

My treasured child,

I’m sorry that you missed out on getting an award at school this year. I can see that you’re really disappointed. It’s OK to feel sad—that just means that this was important to you. I’d love you to tell me more about how you’re feeling.

I know it’s hard to see your best friends going up on stage, or your siblings, and being the one still sitting down in the crowd. I am so proud of the way you clapped your friends and congratulated them. Being a good friend means celebrating their achievements and being proud of them. Try to put aside your feelings of envy and remember how hard your friends and classmates have worked to achieve those results. You never know how much they might have needed this encouragement right now. Many of them have had their own struggles to overcome.

You have been a great friend this year: you are caring, thoughtful, encouraging and fun. I know your friends really love being around you; you are always there to support each other. Being a good friend is one of the most important skills for life. But unfortunately, it is not one of the things that gets recognised on speech day. Here are some other things that won’t get you an award, but I believe are even more important than being the best at school:
–   helping out at home
–   looking after your little brother
–   trying your best at school
–   practising self-control
–   being kind, generous and forgiving
–   learning a new skill like cooking
–   practising your instrument
–   doing something creative
–   making people laugh
–   growing in your faith in God.

I am really proud of who you are, even if there’s no award for that at school. We know from the Bible that in God’s eyes, our character is more important than our awards and achievements.

‘The Lord does not look at the things people look at. People look at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart.’ (1 Samuel 16:7)

Only a few children get those top awards each year. Most children are like you—simply doing their best without being recognised up the front. In life, it’s really important to try hard and do the right thing, even if you don’t get any ‘reward’ for it. It’s also really important to develop a love for learning new things simply for the joy of it. It’s amazing to think of all the things you have learnt this year that you didn’t know last year. Let’s celebrate that!

I am so proud of the effort you have put into school this year. You have tried new things and challenged yourself. Nobody else knows what it took to keep persevering, even when it was hard.

If there is one area you would like to work on for next year, I will support you. We can help you to practise reading or maths, spelling, sport or music, if that’s a goal you want to set for yourself. But let’s aim for learning and self-confidence, not for rewards.

Even if you sit here again next year, clapping others but getting no awards for yourself, I will be proud of you. We all face disappointments in life, especially when we feel that our efforts aren’t being recognised. But what matters most is what we do with our disappointments. Let’s take a moment to feel sad, but then let’s get back up again together. Let’s take this chance to celebrate with your friends. And let’s take pride in what you have been learning and, most importantly, who you have been becoming this year.

From your loving and very proud mum.

This article originally appeared at Growing Faith, a Christian online magazine for parents. Find out more about Growing Faith and subscribe to our monthly e-newsletter here.

Talking with kids about horrific news

By Harriet Connor

On 25/11/2023

In Articles

Image by prostooleh on Freepik.

In recent weeks there have been some particularly horrific events reported in the international and local news, including violent conflict, crime and natural disasters. Even more distressing is the fact that these events have caused unimaginable suffering for children and young people.

We may not deliberately expose our own children to the news, but somehow or other, they seem to pick up on the major events occurring in their world. This can cause our children to become upset and start worrying that those things may happen to them or the people they love. They can be especially affected if the adults around them become distressed or they see confronting images or if the news coverage extends over several days.

In general, it’s best to limit the amount of news our children are exposed to. Children under seven shouldn’t be exposed to horrific images and headlines. With older children, we can watch the news with them or watch a news program that’s designed for children, such as Behind the News.

Children feel secure if they know that they can talk to us at any time about anything. When a horrific event comes up in the news, we should prepare ourselves for these important conversations by finding out the basic facts and taking time to process our own response so that we can be calm for our children.

Make time

If your child raises the topic of events in the news, stop and give them your full attention. If they don’t initiate a conversation, it’s up to us to make time to talk with them. Ideally, this will be a time when both we and our children are feeling calm.

Here are some ideas to guide your conversations.

Ask

It’s good to ask what your children already know or have heard about the events in the news. As you listen to your children, it may become clear that they have an incomplete or misguided understanding of what is happening. And what they imagine is happening may be far worse than the reality. If this is the case, we can take the opportunity to correct our children’s misconceptions.

Inform

It’s best to tell our children what is happening in simple, age-appropriate terms, rather than ignore the issue. We should take care to tell our children only what they need to know, avoiding any graphic details. If our children have questions, it’s important to answer them or, if we don’t know the answer, commit to finding out.

Most horrific events do not happen at random—they usually occur within a broader historical, geographical or relational context. So it’s helpful to try to explain the context to our children as best as we can. This helps to minimise their fear that the same thing might suddenly happen to them.

Reassure …

Keep reading over at Growing Faith, a Christian online magazine for parents. Find out more about Growing Faith and subscribe to our monthly e-newsletter here.

Take your kids to funerals

By Harriet Connor

On 24/07/2022

In Articles

At some points in history (and in some circles today), parents have considered it inappropriate for children to attend funerals, even for their close family members. Perhaps parents want to shield their children from the harsh reality of death; perhaps they worry that their children’s behaviour will distract the other mourners. But on balance, I believe that there are far more reasons in favour of bringing the kids along when we attend a funeral. Our kids have now been to five funerals in as many years.

Better a house of mourning

The writer of Ecclesiastes observed:

‘It is better to go to a house of mourning
than to go to a house of feasting,
for death is the destiny of everyone;
the living should take this to heart.’ (Ecclesiastes 7:2)

Attending a funeral forces us and our children to confront our human mortality. While that is a frightening thing, our children will not be doing it alone, but with us right by their side. Going to a funeral will be part of an ongoing conversation between us and our children about death. It’s certainly an uncomfortable topic, but avoiding it will only leave our children unprepared for real life. Children should feel free to ask their questions, and we should do our best to answer them in an honest, but age-appropriate way, balancing realism with hope.

Funerals are certainly confronting. The deceased person’s coffin is often right there up the front—usually closed, with flowers and photos sitting on top of it—until the end of the service, when it is carried away for cremation or burial.

Putting flesh on the gospel

As Christians, we have the advantage of knowing (at least to some extent) what happens when a person dies. We know that in death, a person’s spirit leaves their body; but we also know that God will put that person back together at the resurrection. As Christians, we ‘do not grieve like the rest of mankind who have no hope’ (1 Thessalonians 4:13).

A funeral, especially a Christian one, is a wonderful opportunity to teach our children the gospel in a very tangible way. Jesus was a real flesh-and-blood person, who chose to die for us. He did this to save us from the just condemnation of God for our sins. And Jesus really rose up from the grave, showing that he has defeated sin and death forever. Everyone who puts their life in God’s hands will rise again like Jesus one day.

Keep reading over at Growing Faith, a Christian online magazine for parents. Find out more about Growing Faith and subscribe to our monthly e-newsletter here.

Harriet Connor

Author of Big Picture Parents

Tag: Emotions