Harriet Connor

Author of Big Picture Parents

Page 4 of 13

The problem with nuclear families

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On 10/03/2023

In Articles

What do you think of when you hear the word ‘family’? If someone asked you, ‘Do you have a family?’, how would you answer?

In our modern Christian culture, we tend to assume that ‘family’ means the nuclear family: mum, dad and their young children, living together. Often this vision of family is presented as the ‘Christian’ or ‘biblical’ family.

Recently, I heard Rev Dr Danielle Treweek explain that this ‘nuclear’ vision of family is actually a modern invention. She quoted this description:

‘In today’s world, the phrase nuclear family conjures up an image of a domestic unit comprising two parents and their children who live together in a single-family residence and who share a deep affective intimacy with one another … Under these conditions, the modern nuclear family is an institution that is characterized above all by privacy.’1

But this is very different to how families looked and worked in Bible times and throughout most of human history. Dani Treweek explained that the phrase ‘nuclear family’ was never meant to refer to something private or separate from the rest of society. It is only the nucleus that sits within a broader network of social relationships—the whole atom! Slowly, we have taken the nucleus out of the atom.

However, when we expect small family units to be private and self-sufficient, it actually weakens both families and the wider society. The modern nuclear model of family isn’t actually working very well. Here’s why.

Keep reading over at Growing Faith, a Christian online magazine for parents. Find out more about Growing Faith and subscribe to our monthly e-newsletter here.

What is Lent and how might we observe it?

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On 11/02/2023

In Articles

Lent traditions

Lent is the season of the Church calendar which comprises the 40 days (plus Sundays) before Easter. It has been observed since the earliest days of the Church and is modelled on Jesus’ 40 days of testing in the wilderness. Traditionally, Lent is a season of self-examination, prayer, fasting and giving, which is designed to prepare a person’s heart for the celebration of Easter.

Lent begins on Ash Wednesday when many churches hold a special service of repentance, culminating in the minister marking each person’s head with ash in the sign of a cross, saying:

‘Remember that you are dust, and to dust you shall return. Turn away from sin and be faithful to Christ.’

During Lent, Christians have traditionally fasted from meat, fish, eggs and butter, and restricted themselves to only one full meal each evening (a small amount of food would also be eaten in the morning and at midday). This did not count for Sundays, which were still considered days of celebration. Children, the elderly and pregnant and breastfeeding mothers were not expected to fast. In general, these ‘rules’ for fasting have become more relaxed. Today, even the Roman Catholic Church requires adults to fast only on Ash Wednesday and Good Friday and abstain from meat on the Fridays of Lent.

In order to rid the kitchen of ‘forbidden’ foods before Lent, Christians began celebrating Shrove Tuesday (also known as Mardi Gras or ‘Fat Tuesday’) the day before, when they would eat up all their ‘luxury’ foods. At some times in history, Christians gave up eggs, sugar and dairy for Lent, which gave rise to the tradition of cooking of pancakes on that day.

In addition to this ‘giving up’, Lent is a time for taking up the spiritual disciplines of prayer and giving in a more focused way. Physical hunger is meant to drive the worshipper to depend on God more prayerfully; the money saved by refraining from ‘luxury’ foods (such as meat) can be shared generously with those in need.

Lent, modernised

Some modern Christians choose to ‘fast’ from different things during Lent. Some common things to give up are chocolate/sugar, alcohol or social media. The idea is that when you are tempted to go to these things for comfort, you seek God in prayer instead. Giving up social media can also free up more time and attention that we can devote to God.

To keep reading about Lent for families, head to Growing Faith, a Christian online magazine for parents. Find out more about Growing Faith and subscribe to our monthly e-newsletter here.

Parenting in the Spirit

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On 31/12/2022

In Articles

As a mother, I’ve found it quite difficult to ride the waves of the past couple of years. We’ve all had to adapt to the constant change and anxiety brought about by a global pandemic. And now that life is largely back to normal, we have to cope with the ‘normal’ (read: insane!) levels of busyness that we seem to have lived with pre-pandemic.

Over the past two years, our family has also had to adjust to the arrival of a fourth child, a change of schools and two job changes for my husband. It feels like we’re still slightly off balance and out of control most of the time; things are always falling off the proverbial cart.

Faced with the stress and anxiety that seems to be my new normal, I’ve been learning the power of deep breathing. When I feel overwhelmed, I’m learning to stop and take a few slow breaths in and out again to help my body and mind relax and let go of the tension. It’s been surprisingly effective.

As a Christian, I’m also using these moments, these deep breaths, to take hold of the secret weapon that every Christian parent has at their disposal—the Holy Spirit. As I breathe in, I’m reminding myself that God’s Spirit—God’s breath—gives the life, power, wisdom, freedom and love that we need for every moment of every day.

Will you join me in praying for this to be the year of parenting in the Spirit?
—
Lord, the giver of life,

In the beginning, you breathed into a handful of earth and human beings came to life (Genesis 2:7). In the valley of Ezekiel’s vision, you breathed into dry, lifeless bones and they took on flesh, becoming a mighty army (Ezekiel 37). In the darkness of the tomb, by the power of your Spirit, you raised Jesus from the dead to a new, indestructible life.

May you, the One who gives life to the dead, breathe life into our mortal bodies because of your Spirit who lives in us (Romans 8:11).

Lord, the giver of strength,

I am weak and weary, frail and finite. But I know that your mighty power—the same power that raised Jesus from the dead—is living in us (Ephesians 1:19–20).

I look to you to renew my strength. Help me soar on wings like an eagle; help me run and not grow weary, help me walk and not be faint (Isaiah 40:31). Lord, help me to trust that ‘I can do all things through him who gives me strength’ (Philippians 4:13).

Lord, the giver of wisdom,

Every day, I face many complex decisions. Too often, I don’t know what to do or how to respond to the people and situations around me. Please fill me with the Spirit of wisdom and revelation that I may know you better and know how best to follow you (Ephesians 1:17). May your Spirit teach me and guide me into all truth (John 16:13).

Lord, the giver of freedom

Too often our family life is based on ‘law’—on rules and expectations. Too often, my relationships are driven by duty, by what ‘should’ be done, which means that my family life often falls short of my ideals.

But through Jesus, the law of the Spirit of life has set us free from the law of sin and death (Romans 8:2). Jesus kept the law for me so that I don’t have to.

Please cleanse me from my sin. Please give me a new heart and put a new spirit in me: take away my heart of stone and give me a heart of flesh (Ezekiel 36:26–27). Please help me to live not by the letter of law but by the Spirit of freedom (2 Corinthians 3:17).

Please fill my children with your Spirit too. May they obey from a heart that’s been set free, not from a heart that’s afraid of breaking the law.

Lord, the giver of love,

When I live by the law, I become controlling, impatient, critical and anxious. When I expect obedience from our children, but without love, our family starts running on fear.

But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. There is no fear in love (1 John 4:18–19). Thank you for your perfect love that accepts us and forgives us just as we are. Help me to love my family just as you have loved me; help me to forgive them as you forgive.

Love is the fulfilment of the law: if we simply love others by the Spirit, then we will always be doing what is pleasing to you (Romans 13:8–10). Please bring forth in me the fruit of the Spirit: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control (Galatians 5:22).

By your Spirit, please transform me more and more into the image and likeness of Jesus, my Saviour (2 Corinthians 3:18).

In his name I pray,
Amen.
—
This year, when you feel overwhelmed, maybe you could stop and take some deep breaths. And as you breathe in, take hold of the secret weapon of Christian parenting:

May the Spirit of life make dry bones live;
May the Spirit of power make us strong;
May the Spirit of wisdom show us the way;
May the Spirit of freedom move us to love.

This article originally appeared at Growing Faith.

Nativity Notes: Bethlehem

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On 26/12/2022

In Articles

At Christmas time, the little town of Bethlehem (literally ‘the house of bread’) gets a moment in the spotlight. But what’s so special about this rural town just outside Jerusalem? Why did Jesus have to be born there?

When King Herod asked the Jewish leaders where the Messiah was to be born, they answered him with a quote from Micah 5:

‘But you, O Bethlehem Ephrathah
who are too little to be among the clans of Judah,
from you shall come forth for me
one who is to be ruler in Israel,
whose coming forth is from of old,
from ancient days.
Therefore he shall give them up until the time
when she who is in labour has given birth;
then the rest of his brothers shall return
to the people of Israel.
And he shall stand and shepherd his flock in the strength of the Lord,
in the majesty of the name of the Lord his God.’ (Micah 5:2–4)

If we look back through the history of this unassuming town, we begin to see more clearly why the Messiah had to be born there.

Judah’s blessing

Bethlehem was located in the region of Judea, which is Greek for Judah. This area had become part of the inheritance that God gave to the Israelite tribe descended from Jacob’s son of that name.

When Jacob blessed his sons before he died, this is what he said to Judah:

‘Judah, your brothers shall praise you;
your hand shall be on the neck of your enemies;
your father’s sons shall bow down before you.
Judah is a lion’s cub;
from the prey, my son, you have gone up.
He stooped down; he crouched as a lion
and as a lioness; who dares rouse him?
The sceptre shall not depart from Judah,
nor the ruler’s staff from between his feet,
until tribute comes to him;
and to him shall be the obedience of the peoples.’ (Genesis 49:8–10)

Judah’s descendants were destined to be the rulers of Israel, as symbolised by a lion. They would always hold the ruler’s sceptre until the day when all nations would acknowledge their King.

A baby in Bethlehem

The book of Ruth, set in the time of the judges, introduces us to one family from the tribe of Judah. A famine had forced them to flee to Moab where tragedy struck: the husband and two adult sons died, leaving behind the widow, Naomi, and her daughter-in-law, Ruth. In their destitution, Naomi and Ruth returned to their hometown—Bethlehem! There, God redeemed their family through a godly relative, Boaz, who agreed to marry Ruth.

The final verses of the book tell us that Boaz and Ruth had a son, Obed. Eventually, he would become the grandfather of King David.

The greatest ruler of Israel would come from the town of Bethlehem of the tribe of Judah. That’s why it came to be known as the ‘city of David’ (Luke 2:4).

Keep reading over at Growing Faith, a Christian online magazine for parents. Find out more about Growing Faith and subscribe to our monthly e-newsletter here.

Four ways feminism misunderstands motherhood

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On 03/12/2022

In Articles, Book Reviews

I recently came away from a job interview wishing I hadn’t spoken so much about motherhood. When asked to outline my experience in balancing competing projects and deadlines, the best examples I could think of were from my family life. But on reflection, that probably came across as unprofessional. Needless to say, I didn’t get the job.

In the world of work, it’s often best to pretend that we aren’t mothers at all. In fact, it’s illegal for prospective employers to ask if we are.

Feminism has fought hard for women to have an equal place in the workforce alongside men. But it has largely accomplished this by separating women from motherhood. The priorities of contemporary feminism are to enable women to avoid becoming mothers in the first place (through contraception and access to abortion) and to ensure that motherhood doesn’t inhibit a woman’s career (through access to childcare and maternity leave).

But this creates a huge tension for many women—we experience a disconnect between the promises of feminism and real-life motherhood. It feels like you can’t be a good feminist and a good mother at the same time.

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Should we limit our family size for the sake of the planet?

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On 22/11/2022

In Articles

Recently I was speaking to an old friend about the topic of creation care and climate change. Among other things, she suggested that having fewer children was better for the planet. She believes that since global overpopulation is threatening the sustainability of the earth, Christians have a duty to avoid having and promoting large families.

Indeed, a study released in 2017 came to the conclusion that having one less child would reduce your carbon dioxide emissions by 58 tonnes per year—far more than selling your car, avoiding long flights or becoming a vegetarian.

I know some Christians who have taken this to heart and decided to limit their family to two children. They see this as a way of loving their global neighbours who would be the most affected by climate change.

To get a broader perspective, I asked a handful of others to contribute their thoughts for this article.

The twin creation mandates

Christians who prioritise creation care are seeking to live out our God-given mandate to rule over—or ‘work and take care of’—the creation on God’s behalf (Genesis 1:26–29; 2:15). But this mandate is inextricably linked with another: to be fruitful, multiply and fill the earth. We have and raise children to become our co-workers and eventually our successors in carrying out our first creation mandate from God.

Keep reading over at Growing Faith, a Christian online magazine for parents. Find out more about Growing Faith and subscribe to our monthly e-newsletter here.

When you’re feeling the pinch

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On 10/09/2022

In Articles

How do you feel when you’re standing at the petrol pump or the checkout these days, as you watch the numbers on the display rise higher and higher? If you’re anything like me, your stress levels start rising in sync with the mounting tally.

Right now, many of us are feeling the pinch of the rising cost of living. So how can we and our families face financial stress in a healthy way?

Look up

It’s times like these when we really have to depend on God, the ultimate provider. Like the rest of creation, we must look to the one who ‘feeds the birds of the air and clothes the flowers of the field’ (Matthew 6:26–30).

With empty hands and heavy hearts, we can cry out, like the psalmist did:

1 I lift up my eyes to the mountains—
where does my help come from?

2 My help comes from the Lord,
the Maker of heaven and earth. (Psalm 121:1–2)

With the kids
We don’t need to explain the finer details of our finances to our children. But we do need to pray together as a family, asking God to provide for us. This shows our children that we’re depending on God, even when we’re feeling anxious. We could read Psalm 121 or Matthew 6:25–34 together.

Set your priorities

As our parents always said, ‘Money doesn’t grow on trees’! We can’t produce more of it, but we can choose how we spend the money we have.

It’s a good idea to sit down with our spouse and make a weekly or monthly budget. We can start by listing out how we currently spend our money and talk about our priorities going forward.

You might look at expenses like: everyday food, dining out, takeaway coffee, schooling, housing, cars, insurance, holidays, giving to church/charity, kids’ music lessons and after school activities.

Which things are non-negotiables for us, and which things can we change or compromise on?

With the kids
In our family, we don’t just say ‘We can’t afford it’ about something the kids want. Rather, we emphasise that it’s all about how we choose to spend our money. We tell them our priorities—a suitable house, healthy food, clothes to wear, education—and explain that the new toy or experience they want just doesn’t rank as highly. We also tell them that when they grow up, they can choose to spend their own money however they like!

Ask for help …

Keep reading over at Growing Faith, a Christian online magazine for parents. Find out more about Growing Faith and subscribe to our monthly e-newsletter here.

Responding to rainbow days at school

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On 12/08/2022

In Articles

Last year a new Principal started at our children’s school. One of her first initiatives was to hold Wear It Purple Day in the high school—a decision that has had a huge knock-on effect at the school and in our family. Since then, the school has added other ‘rainbow days’ to the calendar, such as the International Day Against Homophobia, Biphobia and Transphobia in May.

With Wear It Purple Day coming up again soon, I’m sure our family is not the only one facing the dilemma: how should Christian parents and children respond to ‘rainbow days’ at school?

What is the aim of these days?

These kinds of days were founded in response to concerns about the mental health of young people who might be questioning their sexuality and gender identity. In the words of the event organisers, Wear It Purple day aims to:

  • Advocate for and empower rainbow young people
  • Celebrate and promote the value of diversity and inclusion in all community settings
  • Raise awareness about sexuality, sex and gender identity and challenge harmful social cultures
  • Champion rainbow role-models to help young people establish the confidence to be who they are.

Schools might mark these days in a number of ways, including changes to the uniform, fun activities, special assemblies, and targeted lesson content.

Is holding a ‘rainbow day’ the best way to help children?

We live in a society where waving the rainbow flag is seen as a harmless—even necessary—expression of solidarity with people who have previously been marginalised, maligned and mistreated. Choosing not to wave (or wear) the rainbow flag is therefore interpreted as an expression of ‘phobia’, bigotry or hatred towards those people.

But it’s not as simple as that.

When it comes to children and young people, the real question is ‘What is the best way to help young people develop a healthy view of sexuality and gender?’ And for a number of reasons, I’m not sure that a whole-school ‘rainbow’ day is the answer.

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Take your kids to funerals

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On 24/07/2022

In Articles

At some points in history (and in some circles today), parents have considered it inappropriate for children to attend funerals, even for their close family members. Perhaps parents want to shield their children from the harsh reality of death; perhaps they worry that their children’s behaviour will distract the other mourners. But on balance, I believe that there are far more reasons in favour of bringing the kids along when we attend a funeral. Our kids have now been to five funerals in as many years.

Better a house of mourning

The writer of Ecclesiastes observed:

‘It is better to go to a house of mourning
than to go to a house of feasting,
for death is the destiny of everyone;
the living should take this to heart.’ (Ecclesiastes 7:2)

Attending a funeral forces us and our children to confront our human mortality. While that is a frightening thing, our children will not be doing it alone, but with us right by their side. Going to a funeral will be part of an ongoing conversation between us and our children about death. It’s certainly an uncomfortable topic, but avoiding it will only leave our children unprepared for real life. Children should feel free to ask their questions, and we should do our best to answer them in an honest, but age-appropriate way, balancing realism with hope.

Funerals are certainly confronting. The deceased person’s coffin is often right there up the front—usually closed, with flowers and photos sitting on top of it—until the end of the service, when it is carried away for cremation or burial.

Putting flesh on the gospel

As Christians, we have the advantage of knowing (at least to some extent) what happens when a person dies. We know that in death, a person’s spirit leaves their body; but we also know that God will put that person back together at the resurrection. As Christians, we ‘do not grieve like the rest of mankind who have no hope’ (1 Thessalonians 4:13).

A funeral, especially a Christian one, is a wonderful opportunity to teach our children the gospel in a very tangible way. Jesus was a real flesh-and-blood person, who chose to die for us. He did this to save us from the just condemnation of God for our sins. And Jesus really rose up from the grave, showing that he has defeated sin and death forever. Everyone who puts their life in God’s hands will rise again like Jesus one day.

Keep reading over at Growing Faith, a Christian online magazine for parents. Find out more about Growing Faith and subscribe to our monthly e-newsletter here.

Please invite my kids to your wedding!

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On 15/07/2022

In Articles

I know it’s been a tough few years for weddings. The COVID-19 pandemic forced many engaged couples to postpone and then eventually downsize their weddings. Under those circumstances, I can completely understand receiving a wedding invitation with ‘no children’ written apologetically at the bottom.

But now that life—and weddings—are returning to normal, I wanted to ask a favour on behalf of Christian parents. Please, invite our kids to your wedding!

Our kids are growing up in a society that is very anti-marriage. Their generation encounters divorce far more frequently than ours ever did. They are also much more familiar with de-facto relationships, where couples never marry at all, even if they have children together. Our kids live in a society that largely views marriage as ‘just a piece of paper’ which makes no material difference to a relationship. In fact, 80% of Australian couples now live together before they get married. We want to tell our children that marriage is significant and lasts ‘forever’, but they are surrounded by evidence to the contrary.

Our society’s view of marriage has shifted dramatically in recent decades, which means that Christian marriage is increasingly distinct. Almost 80% of couples now choose to be married by a civil celebrant rather than a minister of religion. The two visions of marriage—and the weddings that celebrate them—are completely different.

Keep reading over at Growing Faith, a Christian online magazine for parents. Find out more about Growing Faith and subscribe to our monthly e-newsletter here.

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Harriet Connor

Harriet Connor

I'm a mother, wife and Bible teacher from near Sydney, Australia. I write about how the Bible's ancient wisdom makes sense of modern life and parenthood.

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