Articles | Harriet Connor

Why I don’t believe in (just) parenting

On 01/07/2022

I’ve been thinking and writing about family life for almost ten years now. As I’ve gradually developed a fuller understanding of God’s vision for families, there’s one word that I have, quite intentionally, dropped from my vocabulary. It’s the word ‘parenting’.

You see, the word ‘parenting’ is a modern invention and carries with it a number of very modern assumptions that I believe are generally unhelpful. God’s vision for parents and children is so much more than what we call ‘parenting’. (Of course, the word is still a useful shorthand, so you’ll find me using it occasionally!)

Let me tell you why I no longer believe in (just) ‘parenting’.

[This article is partly based on a conversation I had with God’s Story Podcast about my new Bible study booklet, Families in God’s Plan: 12 Foundational Bible Studies.]

It’s not just a verb

My main problem with the word ‘parenting’ is that it’s a verb, making it all about what we do. Parents in previous generations simply spoke about being mothers and fathers and I think that’s a more helpful way to look at things. You don’t have to do anything to become a parent—you already are one! That’s equally true whether you’re sitting in an armchair reading a book (alone!) or sitting on the floor playing with your children. We’re all full-time mums and full-time dads—and will be for the rest of our lives.

The most important thing is our relationship with our children. Everything else we might do (or not do!) needs to flow from that.

It’s not just present-tense

The other thing about the verb ‘parenting’ is that it’s always in the present tense. This puts the focus on what we’re doing right now, rather than on what we’re aiming for in the long term. Dealing with the things that seem urgent today—surviving our toddler’s tantrum; getting dinner cooked, served and eaten; stumbling over the ‘finish line’ of bedtime—can sometimes distract us from working towards longer-term goals.

I like the term ‘raising children’ because it inherently looks to the future: it begs the question, raising children into what? It forces us to think about what kind of adults we want our children to grow into, and work backwards from there.

Psalm 78 describes God’s long term vision for child-raising with these words:

‘… we will tell the next generation
the praiseworthy deeds of the Lord,
his power, and the wonders he has done.
He decreed statutes for Jacob
and established the law in Israel,
which he commanded our ancestors
to teach their children,
so the next generation would know them,
even the children yet to be born,
and they in turn would tell their children.
Then they would put their trust in God
and would not forget his deeds
but would keep his commands. (Psalm 78:4b–7)

It’s not just an abstract technique …

Keep reading over at Growing Faith, a Christian online magazine for parents. Find out more about Growing Faith and subscribe to our monthly e-newsletter here.

Let them wrestle!

By Harriet Connor

On 23/06/2022

In Articles

Why do dads throw their babies up into the air? Why do dads chase, tickle and wrestle their kids until they are on the verge of tears?

This kind of play can be hard for mothers to understand. We watch on with rising concern; we worry that someone will get hurt, or that the kids are experiencing real fear behind their giggles. We can be tempted to put a stop to the whole thing, because it makes us feel uncomfortable.

However, rough-and-tumble play is vital. It teaches children important life skills and helps them to develop a special relationship with their dad.

Dads naturally play ‘rough’

Mothers and fathers tend to interact with their children in different ways: mothers prioritise care and nurture, while fathers prioritise play and challenge.

The Bible assumes rather than teaches this fact, but we get a glimpse of it in Paul’s comments to the church in Thessalonica:

‘But we were gentle among you, like a nursing mother taking care of her own children. So, being affectionately desirous of you, we were ready to share with you not only the gospel of God but also our own selves, because you had become very dear to us … For you know how, like a father with his children, we exhorted each one of you and encouraged you and charged you to walk in a manner worthy of God, who calls you into his own kingdom and glory.’ (1 Thessalonians 2:7–8, 11–12)

When it comes to play, fathers generally initiate games that are challenging, active and physical:

‘Fathers emphasize more competition, risk-taking, and independence while mothers stress more self-paced play, that is, mothers tend to encourage more play that is at their child’s level.’ (‘Gender Matters’, Them Before Us)

Rough-and-tumble play is good for both boys and girls, especially around the ages of 3–7. Although younger children also enjoy more gentle activities such as being bounced, lifted up or chased. If you’re new to this kind of play, a good place to start is to become some kind of ‘Daddy monster’ and challenge your kids to chase and capture you. With older children, you could have a ‘sock wrestle’, where each person tries to remove the other person’s socks without losing their own.

Researchers have identified the features of ‘high quality’ rough-and-tumble play:

• A safe environment (for example, on a soft surface)
• A few rules or boundaries (for example, no kicking or biting)
• Dad self-handicaps so that children can sometimes overpower him
• Mutual enjoyment
• Children have time (and possibly help) to wind down at the end.

The benefits of rough-and-tumble play …

Keep reading over at Growing Faith, a Christian online magazine for parents. Find out more about Growing Faith and subscribe to our monthly e-newsletter here.

The things we learn when we’re at home sick

By Harriet Connor

On 03/06/2022

In Articles

It’s official! Cold and flu season is upon us. Winter has barely started and our family has already been knocked down by one thing after another. It’s been a brutal reminder that there are still plenty of ‘Diseases Other Than Covid’ about. Maybe you know the feeling: when you start losing track of who’s had what and when, and you’ve got the school office/absentee line on ‘speed dial’.

But when we are home sick, there are some important life lessons that we and our children can learn together.

Part of life

When our children were little, I used to get shocked every time they got sick. I would rack my brains trying to work out where they might have caught the illness, and how I could have prevented it. I expected that with good hygiene and healthy food I could keep the kids healthy 100% of the time.

My perspective changed when a friend pointed out that it’s quite normal for preschoolers to get up to six (or more!) colds per year; in fact, that’s how their immune system develops.

Actually, my friend’s perspective was much more biblical than mine. Getting sick is a tangible reminder for us and our children that we live outside Eden, where every good thing is prone to disease and decay. Sickness reminds us of our own mortality.

We can point ourselves and our children to our perfect future home with God, where ‘He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away’ (Revelation 21:4).

But in the meantime, all we can say to our kids is that unfortunately, getting sick is part of life. The question is not whether we will get sick, but how we can manage when we do. And we are extremely fortunate to have modern medicine to help us through the most common illnesses we face.

Even mummies and daddies …

Keep reading over at Growing Faith, a Christian online magazine for parents. Find out more about Growing Faith and subscribe to our monthly e-newsletter here.

Erasing mothers is not progress

By Harriet Connor

On 21/05/2022

In Articles

Everywhere you look, mothers are being erased.

In the name of inclusion and diversity:

Barnardos has cancelled its ‘Mother of the Year’ award
Volunteers from the Australian Breastfeeding Association have been investigated for their use of the word ‘mother’ on social media
The Labor Party has removed the word ‘mother’ from its policy documents

The reasoning goes: some families don’t have a mother and some mothers identify as ‘fathers’, so we should stop using sexed language for parents altogether. In the modern family, ‘mother’ and ‘father’ have been replaced by Parent 1 and (if you’re lucky) Parent 2.

Sadly, mothers are also being erased, not just from our speech, but from children’s lives. There have been some recent high-profile cases of men ‘creating’ children through surrogacy, with the intention of raising them without a mother. Depending on the arrangement, a baby can have–and lose–up to three different ‘mothers’: a genetic mother, a birth mother, and a social mother. And we are supposed to applaud.

I understand how normalising ‘diverse’ families can help the children of those families to feel less stigmatised, but deliberately removing mothers cannot possibly be called progress. This forced political correctness–telling children that mothers are optional and interchangeable–is a denial of biological reality and human need.

Mum, who are those faces on the telegraph pole?

By Harriet Connor

On 17/05/2022

In Articles

There’s no escaping the fact that an election is coming. This provides a great opportunity to talk with our kids about how our democracy works. Here’s how you could answer your kids’ questions.

Who is the government?

The ‘government’ is a group of ordinary people who have the responsibility of leading our country. They make laws to help us live together in peace and safety, and they help and provide for people in different ways.

In Australia there are three levels of government: the local government looks after local concerns, like garbage collection and playgrounds; the state government manages bigger things like schools and hospitals; and the federal government looks after things that affect the whole country, like protecting Australia and representing us to the rest of the world. It also looks after ‘welfare’, which means giving money and services to help people in need.

The Bible says that we should respect our governments because they are ‘God’s servant for your good’, with authority from him to reward good and punish evil (Romans 13:1-7).

Is the government rich?

In Australia, most of the money that the government has comes from collecting ‘tax’. That is when we give a bit of the money we earn to the government so that it can do its job. It is the federal government that collects most of our tax money and decides how to spend it.

The Bible encourages us to pay the taxes we owe to the government, because it is being used to serve us (Romans 13:6–7).

Can the government do whatever it likes?

No. In Australia, we have a ‘Parliament’—a place where representatives from every part of Australia come together to talk and make decisions. The government is only made up of the representatives from one party or ‘team’—the one which has the most number of people in the Parliament. There are a few different ‘teams’: the red team, the blue team, the green team … and some newer teams like the orange and yellow ones. Each team has different ideas about the best way to run our country, relate to other countries and help people in need.

In the Parliament, the representatives from different teams discuss and debate the laws that the government wants to make or change. A law can only be passed if most people in the Parliament agree to it.

What is an election?

Keep reading over at Growing Faith, a Christian online magazine for parents. Find out more about Growing Faith and subscribe to our monthly e-newsletter here.

Loving your family is evangelism

By Harriet Connor

On 04/03/2022

In Articles

I used to think of my university days as my ‘golden age’ of evangelism. I was soaking up great Bible teaching and meeting with other young Christians. I was all fired up to tell people about Jesus. And I did.

I was (perhaps stubbornly) opposed to ‘walk up’ evangelism, so I used to practise ‘sit down’ evangelism instead. I would sit down on a bench or on the train home from Uni and pray for opportunities to talk to friends and strangers. Every week I would have at least one conversation about the gospel; every few months I would find myself giving away another Bible.

When I became a mother twelve years ago, my world shrank considerably. My focus was now primarily on the people within our household. I wasn’t out and about crossing paths with strangers; I certainly wasn’t catching the train and handing out Bibles. It felt like I had stopped doing evangelism.

But as I’ve reflected more on the Bible’s teaching, I’ve realised that, actually, loving my family is not taking me away from evangelism. Loving my family is evangelism. Living in right relationship with the people in our household shows a watching world how good it is to live in right relationship with our Creator.

Jesus said: “Let your light shine before others, that they may see your good deeds and glorify your Father in heaven.” (Matt 5:16) God sets his people apart to live his way so that others might be attracted to God and the gospel. Evangelism—convincing others to glorify their Creator through Christ—includes not just our words but also our deeds. And this starts in the home.

Send them back to school with courage!

By Harriet Connor

On 21/01/2022

In Articles

This year we’re facing a back-to-school season like no other. With tens of thousands of cases in NSW and around the country, it feels like we’re swimming in a sea of COVID-19.

And yet, school is set to resume as usual.

As parents it’s natural to feel anxious and worried about our children’s safety and to agonise over our decisions concerning their wellbeing. But this may just be the perfect opportunity for us to send them back to school with courage.

Face your fears

Perhaps the hardest thing about being parents this side of heaven is that we cannot keep our children safe 100% of the time. At some point, we have to send our children off into the big wide world, where we can no longer protect them. Sending our children into a school full of germs (COVID-19 or otherwise) is a fitting parable for what it’s like to raise children in a fallen world.

Keep reading over at Growing Faith, a Christian online magazine for parents. Find out more about Growing Faith and subscribe to our monthly e-newsletter here.

God’s plan for your family is bigger than you think

By Harriet Connor

On 07/01/2022

In Articles, News

In our age of information, it’s easy to get confused by the cacophony of conflicting ideas about family life that swirl around us. But thanks to a new resource I’ve published, you can take time this year to listen to the voice of God, who designed the human family in the first place.

Families in God’s Plan is a digital resource featuring 12 Bible studies to help individuals, couples and small groups to understand the place and purpose of families in God’s world. As you read through God’s word, you might be surprised to learn just how big God’s plan for families is.

Bigger than nuclear

Did you know that the Bible doesn’t even have a word for ‘family’ in the modern, nuclear sense? Both old and new testaments see the family as something much bigger. Like an established tree, a family grows up from the trunk of previous generations; it branches out to include uncles, aunts, cousins and in-laws and it spreads out to welcome outsiders who come to live in its shade.

Nativity Notes: Angels

By Harriet Connor

On 24/12/2021

In Articles

Angels play a significant role in the Nativity story, but we don’t tend to talk much about them at other times. It’s natural for children to ask questions about them given the mystery and ‘magic’ that they inspire. It’s time to learn something new about these heavenly creatures, so we can give some helpful perspective when we answer these questions!

What are angels?

Angels are a large ‘host’ or army of heavenly beings created by God to worship him and serve humanity. Unlike God, they can only be in one place at one time (see Daniel 10:12–14). They include other kinds of heavenly beings, like the ‘cherubim’ or ‘living creatures’ who serve in God’s temple (see Ezekiel 10; Revelation 4) and the ‘seraphim’ in Isaiah’s vision of the temple (Isaiah 6). The Bible mentions an archangel, Michael, who leads an army of angels (see Daniel 10:13; Revelation 12:7–8). The only other angel whom the Bible names is Gabriel.

We can’t say with certainty, but God probably created the angels all at once, right at the beginning when he created the heavens. As God says to Job:

‘Where were you when I laid the earth’s foundation?
Tell me, if you understand.
Who marked off its dimensions? Surely you know!
Who stretched a measuring line across it?
On what were its footings set,
or who laid its cornerstone –
while the morning stars sang together
and all the angels shouted for joy?’ (Job 38:4–7)

What do angels do?

Keep reading over at Growing Faith, a Christian online magazine for parents. Find out more about Growing Faith and subscribe to our monthly e-newsletter here.

How Psalm 139 Made Me a Mother (Not Just a Parent)

By Harriet Connor

On 17/12/2021

In Articles

I grew up steeped in the value of gender equality. I can still remember a heated conversation around the coloring table at preschool—I was the kid arguing “There’s no such thing as girls’ colors and boys’ colors.” My all-girls high school had the unspoken motto of “Beat the boys.” We were encouraged to work hard and dream big; to become scientists, lawyers, and engineers. Our teachers rarely suggested traditionally female careers like teaching or nursing, and “the M word” (motherhood) was never mentioned.

Abigail Favale perfectly describes the kind of feminism I was raised in:

The classic feminist argument affirms sex role fluidity—a woman can do whatever a man can do. Thus, a different notion of woman’s essence is presupposed: namely, none. Instead, women and men become essentially interchangeable, essentially the same. Because a woman can do anything, she no longer is anything in particular.

As a result, I grew up very disconnected from my femaleness. Unlike other girls, I never wore pink. I never put on makeup. I never did my hair. Skirts, breasts, and menstrual periods were just minor inconveniences to be overcome in an effort to “beat the boys.”

Parenthood: Struggle for Equality

As a young adult, I thought that finding a compatible partner meant finding someone exactly like me—a man who shared not just the same values and beliefs, but the same interests and tastes, the same sense of humor and style of communication. I expected a partnership to involve two people working interchangeably toward their shared goals.

When I eventually got married and then pregnant, it was the first time I began to understand my female body as something intricately designed for a distinct purpose. And yet, once I had given birth to our first son, nursing seemed to be the only thing that distinguished my role from my husband’s. I had somehow come to parenthood with the idea that my husband’s and my relationship with our son would be more or less the same—our “parenting” would be equal and identical.

But things never seemed to work out that way. My husband’s approach to raising children was fundamentally different. At times, we had opposite beliefs about what our son needed from us. My husband thought he needed more independence, but I thought he needed more connection. He thought I was being too gentle, and I thought he was being too firm. Because of this, our family life felt like a struggle. Our innate tendencies were always pulling in different directions, making it hard to reach the elusive goal of “equality.”

Harriet Connor

Author of Big Picture Parents

Category: Articles (Page 4 of 8)

Why I don’t believe in (just) parenting

It’s not just a verb

It’s not just present-tense

It’s not just an abstract technique …

Let them wrestle!

Dads naturally play ‘rough’

The benefits of rough-and-tumble play …

The things we learn when we’re at home sick

Part of life

Even mummies and daddies …

Erasing mothers is not progress

Mum, who are those faces on the telegraph pole?

Loving your family is evangelism

Send them back to school with courage!

Face your fears

God’s plan for your family is bigger than you think

Bigger than nuclear

Nativity Notes: Angels

What are angels?

What do angels do?

How Psalm 139 Made Me a Mother (Not Just a Parent)

Parenthood: Struggle for Equality

Harriet Connor

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