Harriet Connor

Author of Big Picture Parents

Category: Articles (Page 1 of 9)

Why I don’t want to teach my children about (just) consent

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On 22/11/2025

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I generally enjoy watching the reality TV show Parental Guidance. It follows different sets of parents as they navigate a series of challenges with their children. Later on, the group evaluates how each family went, with the help of parenting expert Dr Justin Coulson. I’ve found watching the show to be a good way of reflecting on my own parenting.

But one episode of this year’s series left me with an uncomfortable feeling: the episode about consent. Consent seems to be the word that everyone is talking about. In 2024 the federal government launched a nationwide awareness campaign, including a suite of TV ads, called ‘Consent can’t wait’. At school, many of our older children are attending ‘respectful relationships’ seminars where consent is one of the key concepts. Our school leavers are heading off to formals and ‘after parties’, to ‘schoolies’ weeks and beyond.

On the ‘consent’ episode of Parental Guidance each set of parents was given a family discussion question that was meant to start a conversation about consent in various situations (not all of them sexual). It was clear that the overtly Christian or ‘traditional’ parents were extremely uncomfortable talking about sexual relationships with their teen/tween daughters. But the ‘moral’ of the episode was that all parents need to prioritise talking with their children about the topic of consent.

So why did I go away feeling uneasy about this?

I strongly believe that as Christian parents we need to be talking to our children about sex. If we don’t communicate God’s positive vision, our children will pick up a different view of sex from their peers or the internet. In our family, my husband and I have tried to be open and upfront in initiating conversations and answering questions about sex, marriage, relationships, puberty, pornography and so on.

But I have to confess that I’ve never talked with my children about ‘consent’ exactly. And to be honest, I don’t know if I really want to. Here’s why I don’t want to teach my children about (just) consent.

It’s a low bar … but a good start

Consent has become the only moral standard by which our modern society evaluates sexual activity between adults. Did both parties give their consent? If so, it doesn’t matter what happened or who did it.

According to the government’s campaign, ‘Sexual consent is a free, voluntary and informed agreement between people to participate in a sexual act. This agreement is only present when these people mutually and genuinely want to engage in that sexual act, and actively ensure their partner does too’.

Of course, I want my children to expect sexual activity to be mutual and consensual. That’s the Bible’s ideal too. In sex, as in all of life, Christians are people who seek the good of others. Song of Songs is a great example of a loving sexual relationship in which both the man and the woman take pleasure in the other person. The woman repeats, ‘I am my beloved’s and my beloved is mine’ (Song of Songs 6:3). This view of sexual mutuality and other-person-centredness is echoed in the New Testament when Paul writes:

‘The husband should fulfil his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. The wife does not have authority over her own body but yields it to her husband. In the same way, the husband does not have authority over his own body but yields it to his wife.’ (1 Corinthians 7:3–4)

But the Bible’s view of sexual relationships is about so much more than just consent!

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Parenting when our days are numbered

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On 27/09/2025

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Grief is weighing heavily on my local community at the moment. A few families have been visited by that most unwelcome and cold-hearted of intruders—death. It has been mercilessly tearing fathers and mothers away from their children far too soon.

A couple of weeks ago, a local dad had an out-of-the-blue medical episode and died quite suddenly, leaving a wife and four children behind. While our community was still coming to terms with that loss, the news came in that another local parent, whose kids are still in primary school, had been transferred to a palliative care unit.

Beyond that, the global Christian community is still reeling from the very public death of American conservative activist and father-of-two Charlie Kirk.

All of those families are facing the unthinkable: the fact that one day we will die and leave our children behind. It’s every parent’s worst nightmare.

We may have many more years with our children, or we may have fewer than we expect. We may have a slow departure, with time to say goodbye or we may pass away quite unexpectedly. But the fact remains: no parent lives forever. And the past few weeks have taught us that we never know how soon—or how suddenly—our time on earth might be up.

So how might we raise our children today in the light of our mortality?

 Lord, you have been our dwelling-place
throughout all generations.
Before the mountains were born
or you brought forth the whole world,
from everlasting to everlasting you are God.

You turn people back to dust,
saying, ‘Return to dust, you mortals’.
A thousand years in your sight
are like a day that has just gone by,
or like a watch in the night.
Yet you sweep people away in the sleep of death—
they are like the new grass of the morning:
In the morning it springs up new,
but by evening it is dry and withered …

Teach us to number our days,
that we may gain a heart of wisdom. (Psalm 90:1–6, 12)

Entrust our kids to God … starting now

Parenthood is one long exercise of faith. From the moment we see those two lines on a pregnancy test, we realise how much is out of our control—from our children’s safe delivery to their health, to their developmental milestones, to their friendships, school life and mental health … there are many times when we’re just anxiously, helplessly praying our way through the day. We can research and investigate, we can make plans and appointments, but ultimately, at least half of parenting is learning to wait and watch in faith.

Facing up to our mortality reminds us that we always need to hand our children over to God. They were never really ours to begin with. God gives us children to birth and care for during the short span of our life on earth, but he is their true Creator and sustainer. God is good and, unlike us, God is in control. So, like Abraham did with Isaac, we need to offer our children up into God’s loving arms—today and every day.

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Gender differences: generalisations are not stereotypes

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On 23/05/2025

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In recent years it has become taboo to talk about the differences between men and women, especially those that appear to reflect negatively on women. Some people fear that any admission of difference will lead to discrimination against women and the limitation of their freedom. Another concern is that any generalisation about men and women could become a harmful stereotype used to justify mistreatment or exclusion. Finally, many people have become reticent to articulate any general gender differences lest they alienate those whose experience or expression of gender is atypical.

Most Christians agree that men and women are different, but very few are comfortable explaining how they differ. For some, this is because they do not want to go beyond what they consider the explicit teaching of Scripture. Others assume that any generalisation made about men and women must be a damaging and universalising stereotype. In this article I want to suggest that when gender differences are carefully observed, explored and discussed it is actually helpful. It can lead us to appreciate one another, help each other, work well together and, ultimately, give glory to the God who created us.

I grew up in a family where gender stereotypes were consistently overturned. My mother was (and still is) a full-time career woman who climbed to the top of the corporate ladder in a traditionally male field—construction. Mum would come home complaining about the men she worked with, listing off the things that men were simply incapable of doing—just like she’d read about in the classic book Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus. My sister and I would question, “But what about Dad?” (who is the opposite of your ‘typical Aussie bloke’). Mum would just laugh and reply, “Oh he doesn’t count!”

Having no brothers, and a dad who “didn’t count”, it was quite a shock when I got married and ended up with four sons. Sometimes I did feel like I was in a house full of people from another planet. The way my husband tended to approach parenting didn’t make sense to me. And the way my sons thought, played and communicated often baffled, even upset me. So in my own family life I have found it immensely helpful to learn about the general differences between men and women, boys and girls, mothers and fathers, so that instead of being baffled, frustrated or disappointed by the males in my life, I can start to appreciate and rejoice in our differences.

It’s OK to observe reality

It is important to recognise that there is a significant difference between a stereotype and a generalisation. A stereotype is an absolute exaggerated categorisation of an entire group of people, with no room for nuance or exceptions. For example, “Germans don’t have a sense of humour”, “Women are intuitive and empathetic” or “Men are better at maths”. A stereotype usually implies a judgement of one group as superior/inferior to another or an evaluation of an individual’s behaviour as normal/abnormal. Such statements can indeed be harmful. By contrast, a generalisation about gender differences is simply an observation about what is generally true for most people, usually based on extensive personal experience and/or scientific research. Importantly, there is no “ought” to be derived from making a general “is” statement about men and women.

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Why do Christians fight in wars?

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On 25/04/2025

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On occasions like Anzac Day, our kids can come up with some tricky questions. One that we’ve had to keep talking about as a family is whether it’s OK for Christians to fight in wars.

It’s not ideal

The first thing to talk about with our children is the fact that war is a product of living in a fallen world full of sinful people. Wars would not happen if groups of people were able to live side-by-side in perfect harmony—sharing their resources without greed or covetousness, overlooking the differences between them and treating one another with mutual respect.

But ever since humanity fell into sin, groups of people have been fighting against each other. Wars usually start because of disagreements over land, resources, leadership or ideology. Our children won’t find it hard to recognise the seeds of these kinds of disagreements in their own hearts and relationships, especially with their siblings.

But war always results in the destruction of life and property; it always affects both soldiers and civilians; it always ushers in a general state of instability, scarcity, distrust and fear.

War is never a good thing, even if it may sometimes be deemed necessary.

It’s not forever

War is a tragic consequence of living in a fallen world. Which means that war will no longer be present in the new heavens and new earth that God will bring about when Jesus returns. As Isaiah said:

In the last days,

the mountain of the Lord’s temple will be established
as the highest of the mountains;
it will be exalted above the hills,
and all nations will stream to it.

Many peoples will come and say,

Come, let us go up to the mountain of the Lord,
to the temple of the God of Jacob.
He will teach us his ways,
so that we may walk in his paths.’
The law will go out from Zion,
the word of the Lord from Jerusalem.
He will judge between the nations
and will settle disputes for many peoples.
They will beat their swords into plowshares
and their spears into pruning hooks.
Nation will not take up sword against nation,
nor will they train for war anymore. (Isaiah 2:2–4)

We long for that day when God will ‘break the bow and shatter the spear’ wielded in war (Psalm 46:9). How much more so our Christian brothers and sisters living in warzones across the globe!

It’s not personal

Our kids may notice the seeming contradiction between the commandments ‘Do not murder’ and ‘turn the other cheek’ and Christians fighting in a war, where they may have to end another person’s life. So it’s important to help our children understand the difference between murder and killing.

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But God is their inheritance

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On 15/03/2025

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Every family I know seems to be feeling financially stretched at the moment. Our income just doesn’t seem to go as far as it used to. Many families are living pay cheque to pay cheque, with little left over at the end of the month. We’re taking on extra work; we’re selling our second cars; we’re eating less meat. We’re always trying to ‘get ahead’ and put something away for a rainy day. But the money just seems to evaporate.

It’s like pouring water into a dry well. We’re trying and trying to fill it up. But the earth is so parched, it just soaks the water up and we’re running on empty again.

As Christians, we trust in God to provide for us. We believe in the one who said:

‘ … do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they?’ (Matthew 6:25–26)

As Christians, we pray each day for God to ‘give us today our daily bread’ (Matthew 6:11)—and he always does! But he rarely seems to give us a whole month’s provision to ‘store away’ in advance.

Then kids come along

Before having children, this kind of living by faith day-to-day can seem like an adventure. We pray and trust … and then we see God provide what we need just in the nick of time. But once we have children depending on us, having a near-empty bank account or fridge is just plain stressful. We can feel like we’re failing at ‘adulting’.

Those of us who have ‘baby boomer’ parents see them living very comfortably. They’ve worked in steady jobs and retired with a healthy amount of superannuation. They own houses, caravans, investment properties and can afford to go travelling. They seem to have enough left over to help us out when we need it.

But when we look at our own financial situation, we can start to wonder if we will ever build up any kind of inheritance to hand over to our own children—we’re struggling just to afford to live. We can start to feel guilty and afraid that perhaps we won’t have much material wealth to pass on to the next generation.

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The value of a ‘small’ Christian life

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On 01/03/2025

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I grew up in Sydney—a vast city with an ever-growing population and a never-ending list of things to do and see. In Sydney, you can find just about anything or anyone if you travel far enough. It’s a world of opportunity, with very few limitations. What an exciting place to grow up!

But in our first year of marriage, we moved to the regional area where my husband grew up. Our ultimate plan was to head to Europe as missionaries (how exciting!), but out of the blue, we were offered the chance to gain some ministry experience by serving in an Anglican church outside of Sydney. After four years, with one toddler in tow, we ended up moving a few postcodes over to serve in another church in a regional town.

Thirteen years and three more sons later, we’ve had one church change and a few job changes for my husband, but we are still living in the same town. Part of the reason we have stayed put is that my parents generously helped us to buy a house here a number of years ago.

Since then, a strange thing has happened—our whole world has now shrunk down to this one small regional town. Our older kids have moved to a Christian school here, our youngest was offered a preschool place in the town, I have taken up part-time work a few blocks away from that, I now teach SRE in the local primary school … and even our sons’ Cadets unit moved to a new HQ—at the end of our street! I never have to travel more than six minutes in my normal weekly routine.

The life we have now is quite a contrast from the way I grew up. So what are the things I’ve noticed about the value of living a ‘small’ Christian life?

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Talking with kids about Valentine’s Day

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On 14/02/2025

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My husband and I don’t really ‘do’ Valentine’s Day. The day has always felt too commercialised for our liking. I think that probably means I’ve never received or given anything for Valentine’s Day in my whole life!

It’s easy enough for someone of my age and stage to disregard the Valentine’s Day messaging around me. But what about our teens and pre-teens—is Valentine’s Day a ‘thing’ for them? Here are some ways that we can open up meaningful conversations with our kids on the topic of romance. First, some history.

How did Valentine’s Day start?

Saint Valentine’s Day originated as a Roman Catholic (and later Anglican) feast day honouring a martyred saint of that name. According to the earliest tradition, Saint Valentine was simply a priest who cared for fellow Christians who were being persecuted by the Roman Emperor Claudius II in the third century and was eventually executed himself.

One later legend claims that, on the eve of his execution, Saint Valentine wrote a note to his jailer’s daughter, whom he had befriended and healed of blindness, and signed it ‘Your Valentine’. Another common legend is that Saint Valentine also defied the orders of Emperor Claudius II, who had forbidden young men from marrying (as it would prove a distraction from fighting Rome’s battles). According to this legend, Saint Valentine secretly performed Christian weddings for young couples.

These later legends gained popularity around the time of Geoffrey Chaucer (14th century), whose poem The Parlement of Foules associated Saint Valentine’s Day with romantic love. From then on, February 14 became a day when men and women would send messages to their lovers.

Valentine’s Day today

Valentine’s Day has become a commercialised celebration when couples are expected to demonstrate their love by exchanging cards, gifts, chocolates, flowers and spending time together. In a co-ed school environment, Valentine’s Day is often seen as an opportunity for people (especially boys) to send a message, card or token of affection to someone they like and ask them to be their ‘valentine’.

Whether Valentine’s Day is a ‘thing’ or not, our tweens and teens are growing up in a world where romance is a constant topic of conversation and a potential source of angst or disappointment. Here are some things we can ask and talk about with them.

Talking points

Are people at school talking about Valentines Day?

We can begin by trying to understand what expectations our teens and their friends have for this day of the year. When I asked my kids, they said it wasn’t really a big deal at their school. But in other schools it may be.

Are there many couples forming in your year?

This is a good general question for broaching the topic of teen romance without asking our kids for too many details. It helps us to understand whether there is a lot of pressure to ‘pair off’ in their school environment.

With our older sons, I try to open up conversations about romance, giving them the opportunity to share if they want to. But I don’t push for details if they seem to want to keep things private.

Do you wish you had a ‘valentine’?

Some teens may feel disappointed if they haven’t attracted any romantic attention from a special someone. It’s good to acknowledge our child’s feelings, even if the dramas of teen romance seem petty to us. We can share our own memories of what it was like to feel overlooked and left out, or to have our romantic feelings go unrequited.

In a future article we will consider how to say ‘no’ when you don’t want to go out with someone.

What do you think being ‘boyfriend and girlfriend’ really means?

This is a helpful way to understand what our kids really mean when they talk about people ‘going out’. Does it simply mean sitting together at school and calling or texting each other after school? Is it normal for kids to hold hands and kiss in the playground at their school? (At our kids’ school ‘PDAs’ are not allowed!) Does it mean going out and doing things together on the weekend? Is this usually done alone or in a group? Are our kids in a context where it’s normal for couples to spend time alone together at each other’s houses?

We may then be able to offer our perspective on healthy expressions of teenage romance.

A crush is just feelings

As we talk with our older children, we can explain that having romantic or sexual feelings for another person is a natural part of growing up. Their adolescent brains and bodies are preparing to seek a marriage partner. We can ask them what it’s like to experience these feelings—what happens in their body and mind when that special person is nearby? (For more on this, see Patricia Weerakoon’s helpful book for teenagers, Teen Sex by the Book.)

What sort of person …

To read the rest of this article head over to Growing Faith, a Christian online magazine for parents. Find out more about Growing Faith and subscribe to our monthly e-newsletter here.

What is Christian parenting?

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On 07/09/2024

In Articles

The following is an excerpt from Chapter 1 of our new book, Parenting in God’s Family.

When our first son was about six weeks old, I joined a ‘mother and baby’ group run by our local health service. After the formal education sessions ended, our group continued to meet until our babies were about two years old. That group was a great support to me. It was such a relief to meet some other new mothers and realise that most of my questions, concerns and struggles were perfectly normal.

It felt like I had so much in common with those other mothers—we seemed to have similar desires, hopes and worries for our children, and similar expectations and disappointments about motherhood. As time went on, I started to wonder what difference it made that I was a Christian. Was my approach to raising children any different to that of the other parents around me?

In my case, Christian parenting was a completely foreign territory. I grew up in a non-Christian family and came to Christ independently in late primary school. I had never seen or experienced ‘Christian parenting’ until I was trying to do it myself!

Our first son is now a teenager and has been joined by three younger brothers. For most of that time, I’ve been trying to work out what Christian parenting looks like by reading and reflecting on the Bible, getting to know our children, talking with my husband and connecting with other Christian parents. Like any new area of knowledge or skill, I think you only really get better at parenting as you practise and refine your approach over time. Christian parenting is not a set of detailed rules or instructions; it’s more like a set of principles that need to be applied with wisdom at each new stage of your child’s development.

If were to summarise it, I would say:

Christian parenting means receiving children as gifts from God, reflecting his fatherly love to them and taking responsibility for their apprenticeship in life and faith. At the same time, Christian parenting means acknowledging our human limitations and introducing our children to their perfect heavenly Father and his spiritual family.

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Will my pet be in heaven?

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On 03/08/2024

In Articles

A previous Growing Faith article looked at the value of having pets as part of our family. But the inevitable downside of loving pets is the heartbreak of losing them. When this happens, our children may wonder, ‘Will my pet be in heaven?’. Here are some things to keep in mind as we answer.

The question behind the question

To begin with, it’s helpful to consider that our children may not be looking for a detailed theological answer to this question. It may simply be an expression of how much they miss their pet and wish they could see them again.

Before jumping to a theological answer, it’s always good to stop and acknowledge our child’s feelings. We can say something like, ‘I know you really miss Daisy. I do too. The hard part of loving someone is having to say goodbye to them. It’s normal to feel sad when someone you care about dies.’

Explaining heaven

When we do go on to explain heaven, it’s important not to speculate beyond what the Bible says. Unfortunately, heaven is one of those topics where we often desire more detail and certainty than the Bible provides. Perhaps that’s why there are so many commonly held ideas about heaven that are derived more from popular culture or classical art than from the Bible.

In the Bible, ‘the heavens’ can simply refer to the skies above us, but it also refers to the place where God dwells. God’s Old Testament people were to pray: ‘Look down from heaven, your holy dwelling place, and bless your people Israel’ (Deuteronomy 26:15). Jesus also taught us to pray to ‘Our father in heaven’ (Matthew 6:9). I like to explain this to my children as being not just ‘above’ the earth, but also ‘behind’ what we can see with our eyes. Heaven is in another, spiritual dimension that is currently invisible to us.

We can explain to our children that people who trust in Jesus will go to be with him when they die (Philippians 1:23). But a day is coming when Jesus will return, those who have died will rise again, and all people will be judged (1 Thessalonians 4:16–18). Peter explains further:

‘That day will bring about the destruction of the heavens by fire, and the elements will melt in the heat. But in keeping with his promise we are looking forward to a new heaven and a new earth, where righteousness dwells.’ (2 Peter 3:12–13)

We can comfort our children with the famous words of Revelation 21:

‘Then I saw “a new heaven and a new earth”, for the first heaven and the first earth had passed away, and there was no longer any sea. I saw the Holy City, the new Jerusalem, coming down out of heaven from God, prepared as a bride beautifully dressed for her husband. And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, “Look! God’s dwelling-place is now among the people, and he will dwell with them. They will be his people, and God himself will be with them and be their God. ‘He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death’ or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.”’ (Revelation 21:1–4)

We can reassure our children that, although we don’t know exactly what the ‘new heaven and new earth’ will be like, we won’t experience grief or sadness as we do now. Revelation describes heaven as full of people worshipping God, the one who sits on the throne in the heavenly city. When we get to heaven, we will be fully satisfied with the joy of seeing and worshipping our Lord.

Will animals be in heaven?

Keep reading over at Growing Faith, a Christian online magazine for parents. Find out more about Growing Faith and subscribe to our monthly e-newsletter here.

Why I’m meeting with my federal MP

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On 24/05/2024

In Articles

…about proposed legislation affecting ‘religious’ schools.

When your phone rings and it’s the school’s number, you always pay attention. And when it’s the Principal on the other end of the line, you know it must be serious. When that happened to me last week, I braced myself for the worst.

But the serious issue that our Principal was calling me about was not concerning my children specifically. It was about something much broader that could affect every child in every Christian, church or ‘religious’ school across Australia.

The Principal of our children’s school was calling to invite me to join a small group of parents meeting with our federal Member of Parliament in a couple of weeks’ time to voice our views on some proposed changes to legislation concerning ‘religious educational institutions’. Knowing the profound significance of these proposed changes, I immediately agreed. Although I find the thought of speaking face-to-face with an MP extremely daunting, this was an opportunity I couldn’t pass up.

What are the proposed changes?

Under Australian law, ‘religious educational institutions’ are currently exempt from the Sex Discrimination Act (1984) (SDA), which prohibits individuals and organisations from discriminating against a person based on that person’s sex, marital or relationship status, pregnancy or, since 2013, their sexual orientation or gender identity.

These exemptions were put in place ‘in order to avoid injury to the religious susceptibilities of adherents of that religion or creed’.1 In 2013, when sexual orientation and gender identity were added to the list of protected attributes, there was bipartisan support for keeping the exemptions in order to ‘protect the right to freedom of thought, conscience, and religion or belief in respect of the new grounds of sexual orientation and gender identity’.

The current Federal Government has now committed to removing these exemptions to make it unlawful for religious educational institutions to ‘discriminate’ against students or staff based on their sex, marital or relationship status, pregnancy, sexual orientation or gender identity. At the same time, the Government wants to ensure that these institutions ‘can continue to build a community of faith by giving preference, in good faith, to persons of the same religion … in the selection of staff’.2

In some jurisdictions, such as Victoria, these kind of exemptions have already been removed, making it illegal in that state for a Christian school to fire—or refuse to employ—a person based on their sexual practice, gender identity or marital status. Queensland is proposing to prohibit a school from discriminating against an even wider group, including those doing ‘sex work activity’.

In order to bring Australian law into line with this, the Federal Government asked the Australian Law Reform Commission (ALRC) to investigate whether their commitments were consistent with international human rights law. The ALRC delivered its recommendations in December, which, if implemented, would write the Government’s commitments into law.

The ALRC report admits that in seeking to ‘maximise’ the right of some teachers to work in religious schools, its recommended reforms ‘may limit, for some people, the freedom to manifest religion or belief in community with others, and the parental liberty to “ensure the religious and moral education of their children in conformity with their own convictions”’.3

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Harriet Connor

Harriet Connor

I'm a mother, wife and Bible teacher from near Sydney, Australia. I write about how the Bible's ancient wisdom makes sense of modern life and parenthood.

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