At some point, every parent looks with pity at their child and thinks, “Poor thing. They get it from me.” Sometimes we’re thinking of some superficial attribute—our knobbly knees or uncontrollable cowlicks. But other times, we’re thinking of something more serious we’ve passed on, like asthma or anxiety.

We can also feel guilty about the things we pass on not by nature, but by nurture. Modern parents live in fear of emotionally “scarring” their children through negligence or ignorance; we constantly seek out expert advice to help us get our parenting just perfect.

Sometimes the impact of our imperfect parenting is obvious: we see our children reflecting our worst habits right back at us. My heart sinks when I see our children snapping and growling at each other, saying “For goodness sake!” or “How many times do I have to tell you?!” 

Our children’s imperfections are a constant reminder that we have reproduced according to our kind. In a fallen world, human children inherit the genetic flaws and sinful tendencies of their imperfect human parents.

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Most of us yearn to be part of a strong and healthy family, but what exactly does that look like? Perhaps we imagine a warmly lit room with family members sitting together. In our modern, urbanized society, the family home has become a place of retreat from the world. During the day, individuals scatter to their separate places of work and study; in the evening, they regroup at home to relax. “Family time,” to most of us, means leisure time.

But this vision of family life is relatively new. Before the industrial revolution, the family was a productive unit: the home was a place of work. What bound families together was not simply being together, sitting face to face, but doing together, working side by side.

What’s more, as Christians, our families have a mission from God—to point others to their Creator by stewarding his creation, passing on his covenant promises, and carrying out his Great Commission. When husbands and wives work together in love and unity, it tells the world something about Jesus and his bride. When parents bring their children up to work and worship alongside them, it tells the world something about the Father and his spiritual children.

While family movie or game nights have value, our families also need a shared mission. Working and worshiping together not only strengthens our family, but also strengthens our witness in the world.

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“Christian families should be strong at the core but flexible around the edges. Strong relationships within the family—between husband and wife, parents and children, older and younger generations—enable a family to extend their loving community to include outsiders.

Our churches will become stronger not by denouncing love for family as “idolatrous,” but by calling on families to open themselves up to gospel priorities.”

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In a recent article, I described how modern parenting has been influenced by the prevailing culture of expressive individualism. Many parents enthrone their children in a “Kingdom of You,” where the purpose of life is to “follow your heart” and “be true to yourself,” no matter what anyone else says.

But the “Kingdom of You” is actually a miserable, suspicious and lonely place to grow up. Expressive individualism—where life revolves around you and your fleeting feelings—offers no firm basis for meaning, morality or community. These things can only be found by looking outside of ourselves to see our place in the bigger picture.

The Bible invites us and our children to belong to a much better Kingdom: the Kingdom of God. We were made not just for self-expression, but to honour our King and Creator; to steward his creation and to reflect his loving character to others. God gave up his only Son to set us free from the tyranny of self-rule and to enable us to serve him wholeheartedly. It is only when we know God our true King, and submit ourselves to his wise and loving rule, that we find our life’s true purpose.

Here are three key areas where we can help our children to look beyond the “Kingdom of You” and find their place in God’s Kingdom.

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