I had a great chat with the team from ‘Conversations for Life.’ We talked honestly about so-called “bad mother moments” and how imperfect, human parents can find hope in the midst of our mistakes. We also talked about how the fatherhood of God shapes our parenting, and about the value of parenting with a “big picture,” long-term mindset.
Listen to our conversation here.
“As parents, we bear the primary responsibility for encouraging our children to put their trust in Jesus. But we don’t have to do this alone. We have the privilege of including our children in a local family of faith—a whole community of people who can disciple them too.
At a time when many parents feel isolated and alone, a supportive church community can provide the kind of practical support and encouragement that modern families desperately need.”
It is no secret that many parents today are struggling to cope. One of the reasons that parenting in our era is hard is that for the first time in history, we are trying to go it alone.
Many of us have moved away from our extended families and the places where we grew up. Even if our parents live nearby, many of them are busy working during the week. Our relationships with our neighbours are also more transient and superficial than in previous generations.
On a day-to-day basis it can feel like it’s just us—mum, dad and the kids—battling against the world.
But when we turn to the Bible, we see that from the very beginning, God has called individuals to be part of something bigger than themselves—to belong to his big family. The Bible is essentially the story of God’s relationship with one ancient family. If we have become children of God, it is our story too.
There’s a battle raging in my mind this week. It’s school vacation, and my three kids are home and constantly seeking my attention. I keep telling myself, Put down your phone! Stop getting distracted! But when I do, my other chores and responsibilities seem to call out just as loudly as my kids.
How can I be a good mother, when I have so much else to do?
“I wish this book had been written when I was first a parent. I searched in vain for a big picture of parenting, a framework according to which I could then evaluate the myriad parenting tools that were available to me. Although much of what Harriet Connor writes is now more familiar to me, I found this to be a readable, biblical and insightful overview of the biblical teaching on parenting. I warmly commend it.”
A visitor to the modern West would have good reason to believe that the goal we are striving for in life is happiness. Our guiding principle seems to be: ‘Do whatever makes you happy; follow your heart’. We are on a constant quest to find our ‘happily ever after’ with the perfect partner, the perfect body, the perfect job, and the perfect house.
This filters down to our parenting, too. If you ask modern parents what we want for our children, we reply in unison: ‘We just want them to be happy!’ We end up doing everything we can to give our kids a perfect childhood of perpetual delight.
My first years of motherhood were like that—I was completely preoccupied with our son’s emotions.
If observers are right, modern parenthood is in crisis. The titles of some recent books say it all: The Collapse of Parenting, Toxic Childhood, and Spoonfed Generation, to name a few. In spite of our all-consuming desire to give our children the perfect childhood, we seem to be raising a generation that is, in many respects, ill-equipped for life in the real world.
The problem isn’t that we lack information. No, the problem for parents today is that we’ve lost sight of the big picture. We could happily tell you our views on bottle-feeding, childcare, spanking, screen time, or sugar. But few of us could tell you exactly what we’re aiming for or how we plan to get there.
At a time when I was a particularly anxious, aimless parent, I turned to the Bible. Its ancient wisdom turned out to be the perfect antidote to the problems that plague modern parents like me. The Bible contains good news for parents, but it also confronts us with some hard truths.
Modern parents like me live in a swirling sea of advice and information. We’re desperately trying to keep up with the 10 Things Every Parent Must Know, the 12 Mistakes New Parents Make, and the 17 Habits of Highly Happy Families. But we end up feeling confused by conflicting advice, guilty about our imperfections, and afraid of damaging our children.
Modern parents are desperate for good news. Sue Palmer, author of Toxic Childhood, writes:
Most parents are frantically doing their best in a world where the goal posts are not just moving—they’ve actually disappeared. . . . In a world of tumultuous change, confidence is thin on the ground. The moral and social certainties [of previous generations] have disintegrated, and there seems to be nothing to put in their place.
About five years ago, those disappearing goal posts were really getting to me. I was craving some unchanging, timeless truths for parenting. So I reached out to the ancient wisdom of my spiritual ancestors. I opened my Bible.
I went looking for little pieces of advice, but the Bible lifted my gaze to see the bigger picture that puts life and parenthood into perspective.
“Are you stuck in the mire of situational parenting? Come up for a breather. Make sure you can see the big forest amongst all the little trees you climb each day. Big Picture Parents will help you clarify why you are parenting, where you want to go on that journey, and will help you plan, in God’s wisdom and with his grace, how to get there.”
Julie Sparkman, an experienced counsellor, has teamed up with author Jennifer Phillips to produce a book that belongs on the shelf of any Christian, right beside the classic works of authors such as Larry Crabb. Sparkman demonstrates a similar gift for applying the truths of the gospel to everyday life in a way that is both profound and practical.
In today’s world, there is no shortage of “experts” trying to sell you their strategies for attaining the perfect life. Unhitching from the Crazy Train is something quite different: it serves as a guidebook for those who are ready to live in the real world, where things rarely go to plan.
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